One week with my cousin is all it takes to ruin four solid months of thinking and feeling healthy. Look out Ana, I'm coming home.
I'm starting a new blog. This one reeks of failure a la fattitude. I'll link you Angels.
Friday, 23 December 2011
Tuesday, 27 September 2011
Morality is Overrated.
I've been absent for a few months now because I've been struggling with the ethics behind this blog. I felt as though I might be glamourizing EDs and encouraging others to try crash diets, so I'll use this post to clear anything up.
1. Crash Diets are dangerous.
Yes, fasting for 3 days is a quick way to drop a few pounds, but they're also incredibly bad for you. Especially when you yo-yo between fasting and eating normally. You can do serious damage to your kidneys and digestive system. It may seem hypocritical for me to discourage them, but let me explain in my next point.
2. Eating Disorders are not a conscious choice nor are they a way of life.
You can not develop them by reading my blog, I in no way want to give the impression that I'd like you to develop one. Please, please, if you're trying to lose weight do it PROPERLY. However, there will be those of you who start healthy and then spiral into the craziness of Ana. There are those who think that Ana is a lifestyle, but those people are delusional. It's a mental disease, and one with a high mortality rate. You will not develop anorexia because you want to or because you think it's the best way to lose weight, eating disorders are much more complex than that. Mine stems from an anxiety disorder and poor coping mechanisms.
3. The purpose of this blog is to both give me an outlet to express what I can't in real life as well as to give a realistic view into what an ED is really like.
There will be times I post as if I adore this disease, because in truth there are times when I do. I am not trying to glamourize them, but I will not lie about the way I feel. I LOVE the feeling at the end of a fast, but I also spiral into extreme depression when I fail one. You'll likely see more of the feel good posts but rest assured they are short lived. You're never thin enough, you've never fasted enough. That pickle you ate was too much, you shouldn't be drinking cranberry juice, why did you put sugar in your tea. Those are the thoughts attached to every single one of my "successes". Today I've eaten nothing but half a pickle and I'm ashamed at myself for even that small amount.
With all that being said I do think I'll be returning to this blog. I need a place where I can post candidly about Ana, without fear of repercussions. That's what this is to me. If it in any way helps you cope with your ED, or even if it just gives you a quick laugh between classes then that's wonderful as well. Avoid it if you find it triggering, but also use it when you think you're alone out there in your struggle. My email is always open to my Angels, so if there's something you need help with, or even something you'd like to vent about but are not comfortable posting publicly about, drop me an email.
Anyways, for those wondering I'm still at 112lbs, which is a fucking miracle considering I've been eating disgustingly this first month of school. Over now, back to fasting. 102 is not that far off :)
Oh and I'm also quite vulgar ;)
Charlie
1. Crash Diets are dangerous.
Yes, fasting for 3 days is a quick way to drop a few pounds, but they're also incredibly bad for you. Especially when you yo-yo between fasting and eating normally. You can do serious damage to your kidneys and digestive system. It may seem hypocritical for me to discourage them, but let me explain in my next point.
2. Eating Disorders are not a conscious choice nor are they a way of life.
You can not develop them by reading my blog, I in no way want to give the impression that I'd like you to develop one. Please, please, if you're trying to lose weight do it PROPERLY. However, there will be those of you who start healthy and then spiral into the craziness of Ana. There are those who think that Ana is a lifestyle, but those people are delusional. It's a mental disease, and one with a high mortality rate. You will not develop anorexia because you want to or because you think it's the best way to lose weight, eating disorders are much more complex than that. Mine stems from an anxiety disorder and poor coping mechanisms.
3. The purpose of this blog is to both give me an outlet to express what I can't in real life as well as to give a realistic view into what an ED is really like.
There will be times I post as if I adore this disease, because in truth there are times when I do. I am not trying to glamourize them, but I will not lie about the way I feel. I LOVE the feeling at the end of a fast, but I also spiral into extreme depression when I fail one. You'll likely see more of the feel good posts but rest assured they are short lived. You're never thin enough, you've never fasted enough. That pickle you ate was too much, you shouldn't be drinking cranberry juice, why did you put sugar in your tea. Those are the thoughts attached to every single one of my "successes". Today I've eaten nothing but half a pickle and I'm ashamed at myself for even that small amount.
With all that being said I do think I'll be returning to this blog. I need a place where I can post candidly about Ana, without fear of repercussions. That's what this is to me. If it in any way helps you cope with your ED, or even if it just gives you a quick laugh between classes then that's wonderful as well. Avoid it if you find it triggering, but also use it when you think you're alone out there in your struggle. My email is always open to my Angels, so if there's something you need help with, or even something you'd like to vent about but are not comfortable posting publicly about, drop me an email.
Anyways, for those wondering I'm still at 112lbs, which is a fucking miracle considering I've been eating disgustingly this first month of school. Over now, back to fasting. 102 is not that far off :)
Oh and I'm also quite vulgar ;)
Charlie
Sunday, 28 August 2011
Thin Mutt.
Wreaking havoc as usual. Just leave him be, he doesn't care. No one does. You're my girl now, we're all we have left in this world. I will never question nor wander from Ana's path again. I am hers. I will do whatever she asks. I will be strong. I will be thin. The only way out is up.
Ambitions.
I want a 0 calorie day. A day where I don't intake anything but water, sweet zero calorie water. That day will be today. I can last until work, and I can pass out after work. I avoided a binge last night, which I'm very proud of but my scale says 112, which doesn't make sense. How can my weight fluctuate so dramatically when I know I'm not eating 2lbs worth of food AND I exercise like a fiend? It seriously stresses me out.
Anyways, so today is just water. I can do this, I know I can. I'm stronger than I've been as of late, I know this. I can resist food, I can. It's just food, right?
Oh and @Sam: To answer your question, I'm 5'1". So I'm really not thin at all. But I'm getting there, one way or another.
Tuesday night is Tequila and Taco night with a good friend of mine. The tacos will be super healthy, filled with lean chicken and kale and all sorts of delicious things. The Tequila..... well, it will be Tequila. But I'm not too worried because I don't plan on eating anything until those Tacos. I can do this, I can earn those tacos.
Stay strong Angels,
Charlie
Anyways, so today is just water. I can do this, I know I can. I'm stronger than I've been as of late, I know this. I can resist food, I can. It's just food, right?
Oh and @Sam: To answer your question, I'm 5'1". So I'm really not thin at all. But I'm getting there, one way or another.
Tuesday night is Tequila and Taco night with a good friend of mine. The tacos will be super healthy, filled with lean chicken and kale and all sorts of delicious things. The Tequila..... well, it will be Tequila. But I'm not too worried because I don't plan on eating anything until those Tacos. I can do this, I can earn those tacos.
Stay strong Angels,
Charlie
Friday, 26 August 2011
110.
Surprisingly I owe this to my mother for yelling at me yesterday. I was going to cave and have a bit of the chicken wings and fries she made after work but she yelled at me on the way home and I ended up doing 100 crunches and 25 leg lifts instead. Thanks mum ;)
Anyways I'm fasting today as well because I MUST get to 109. Must. I'm so close. I have a hot Yoga class today which I'll get through on vitamin water and gatorade. Those two are the perfect combination for those of us who want to fast, but don't want to pass out and end up in the ER for the god knows how many time this summer. When I wake up I drink my routine cup of coffee, then the vitamin water (today is Multi-V to make up for the vitamins I've not been getting through food) and I drink the gatorade after my Yoga class. Perfect. Of course I drink loads of water on top of those, that's key too.
I'm so excited to finally be back in the 10x's again! Ugh I was so heavy last year it disgusts me. 120? Wow. Way to let yourself go there, Charlie. So I hereby vow, in front of all my Angels, to never let myself balloon up there again. I'm going to be thin from here on out, never will I give in to food like that. I'm going to fast and restrict myself down to 102, maybe lower who knows. But at 102 I'll have officially lost 15% of my body fat. Great, no? Only 8lbs to go !
Motivation and skinny thoughts for all my Angels,
Charlie
Anyways I'm fasting today as well because I MUST get to 109. Must. I'm so close. I have a hot Yoga class today which I'll get through on vitamin water and gatorade. Those two are the perfect combination for those of us who want to fast, but don't want to pass out and end up in the ER for the god knows how many time this summer. When I wake up I drink my routine cup of coffee, then the vitamin water (today is Multi-V to make up for the vitamins I've not been getting through food) and I drink the gatorade after my Yoga class. Perfect. Of course I drink loads of water on top of those, that's key too.
I'm so excited to finally be back in the 10x's again! Ugh I was so heavy last year it disgusts me. 120? Wow. Way to let yourself go there, Charlie. So I hereby vow, in front of all my Angels, to never let myself balloon up there again. I'm going to be thin from here on out, never will I give in to food like that. I'm going to fast and restrict myself down to 102, maybe lower who knows. But at 102 I'll have officially lost 15% of my body fat. Great, no? Only 8lbs to go !
Motivation and skinny thoughts for all my Angels,
Charlie
Wednesday, 24 August 2011
Empty Empty Empty.
I am oh so empty <3
I have eaten nothing today, I will eat nothing tomorrow. Yoga will get progressively harder but do increasingly more to help me lose. These are the needed lbs now, not extra here or there. To break 110 will be to finally turn my body from a strong dancers body to a thin girl. A thin girl who has trouble getting through a yoga sequence and feels like a weak piece of shit but refuses to do what's necessary to be strong. A thin girl who knows nothing but being thin. Some sort of thin mutation, a thin little mutt.
Thin mutts never forget how much they hate their mothers, unlike their healthy counterparts who succumb to their brief spats of kindness. Thin mutts remember when she picked you up from work drunk and thin mutts punish her for it. Thin mutts do not give in to food cravings, they suck back the salt water flush and watch as anything that once was intake is gone gone gone. Thin mutts are never thin enough. I am a thin mutt, and I'm glad to be back.
Do I wish I was thinner going back to school? Of course. But I'm not. I'm 112lbs, and were I anything but a Thin Mutt I'd realize how good I look. But I'm not, so that's irrelevant. I don't want to look good and healthy, I want to look THIN. The thin that people whisper about behind your back, commenting to their friends that you're "too skinny" but secretly wishing they could look like you too. But not everyone can commit to the Thin Mutt way, some are too happy and too healthy.
And others.... well you know about them better than anyone, Angels.
Charlie
I have eaten nothing today, I will eat nothing tomorrow. Yoga will get progressively harder but do increasingly more to help me lose. These are the needed lbs now, not extra here or there. To break 110 will be to finally turn my body from a strong dancers body to a thin girl. A thin girl who has trouble getting through a yoga sequence and feels like a weak piece of shit but refuses to do what's necessary to be strong. A thin girl who knows nothing but being thin. Some sort of thin mutation, a thin little mutt.
Thin mutts never forget how much they hate their mothers, unlike their healthy counterparts who succumb to their brief spats of kindness. Thin mutts remember when she picked you up from work drunk and thin mutts punish her for it. Thin mutts do not give in to food cravings, they suck back the salt water flush and watch as anything that once was intake is gone gone gone. Thin mutts are never thin enough. I am a thin mutt, and I'm glad to be back.
Do I wish I was thinner going back to school? Of course. But I'm not. I'm 112lbs, and were I anything but a Thin Mutt I'd realize how good I look. But I'm not, so that's irrelevant. I don't want to look good and healthy, I want to look THIN. The thin that people whisper about behind your back, commenting to their friends that you're "too skinny" but secretly wishing they could look like you too. But not everyone can commit to the Thin Mutt way, some are too happy and too healthy.
And others.... well you know about them better than anyone, Angels.
Charlie
Tuesday, 9 August 2011
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