One week with my cousin is all it takes to ruin four solid months of thinking and feeling healthy. Look out Ana, I'm coming home.
I'm starting a new blog. This one reeks of failure a la fattitude. I'll link you Angels.
Friday, 23 December 2011
Tuesday, 27 September 2011
Morality is Overrated.
I've been absent for a few months now because I've been struggling with the ethics behind this blog. I felt as though I might be glamourizing EDs and encouraging others to try crash diets, so I'll use this post to clear anything up.
1. Crash Diets are dangerous.
Yes, fasting for 3 days is a quick way to drop a few pounds, but they're also incredibly bad for you. Especially when you yo-yo between fasting and eating normally. You can do serious damage to your kidneys and digestive system. It may seem hypocritical for me to discourage them, but let me explain in my next point.
2. Eating Disorders are not a conscious choice nor are they a way of life.
You can not develop them by reading my blog, I in no way want to give the impression that I'd like you to develop one. Please, please, if you're trying to lose weight do it PROPERLY. However, there will be those of you who start healthy and then spiral into the craziness of Ana. There are those who think that Ana is a lifestyle, but those people are delusional. It's a mental disease, and one with a high mortality rate. You will not develop anorexia because you want to or because you think it's the best way to lose weight, eating disorders are much more complex than that. Mine stems from an anxiety disorder and poor coping mechanisms.
3. The purpose of this blog is to both give me an outlet to express what I can't in real life as well as to give a realistic view into what an ED is really like.
There will be times I post as if I adore this disease, because in truth there are times when I do. I am not trying to glamourize them, but I will not lie about the way I feel. I LOVE the feeling at the end of a fast, but I also spiral into extreme depression when I fail one. You'll likely see more of the feel good posts but rest assured they are short lived. You're never thin enough, you've never fasted enough. That pickle you ate was too much, you shouldn't be drinking cranberry juice, why did you put sugar in your tea. Those are the thoughts attached to every single one of my "successes". Today I've eaten nothing but half a pickle and I'm ashamed at myself for even that small amount.
With all that being said I do think I'll be returning to this blog. I need a place where I can post candidly about Ana, without fear of repercussions. That's what this is to me. If it in any way helps you cope with your ED, or even if it just gives you a quick laugh between classes then that's wonderful as well. Avoid it if you find it triggering, but also use it when you think you're alone out there in your struggle. My email is always open to my Angels, so if there's something you need help with, or even something you'd like to vent about but are not comfortable posting publicly about, drop me an email.
Anyways, for those wondering I'm still at 112lbs, which is a fucking miracle considering I've been eating disgustingly this first month of school. Over now, back to fasting. 102 is not that far off :)
Oh and I'm also quite vulgar ;)
Charlie
1. Crash Diets are dangerous.
Yes, fasting for 3 days is a quick way to drop a few pounds, but they're also incredibly bad for you. Especially when you yo-yo between fasting and eating normally. You can do serious damage to your kidneys and digestive system. It may seem hypocritical for me to discourage them, but let me explain in my next point.
2. Eating Disorders are not a conscious choice nor are they a way of life.
You can not develop them by reading my blog, I in no way want to give the impression that I'd like you to develop one. Please, please, if you're trying to lose weight do it PROPERLY. However, there will be those of you who start healthy and then spiral into the craziness of Ana. There are those who think that Ana is a lifestyle, but those people are delusional. It's a mental disease, and one with a high mortality rate. You will not develop anorexia because you want to or because you think it's the best way to lose weight, eating disorders are much more complex than that. Mine stems from an anxiety disorder and poor coping mechanisms.
3. The purpose of this blog is to both give me an outlet to express what I can't in real life as well as to give a realistic view into what an ED is really like.
There will be times I post as if I adore this disease, because in truth there are times when I do. I am not trying to glamourize them, but I will not lie about the way I feel. I LOVE the feeling at the end of a fast, but I also spiral into extreme depression when I fail one. You'll likely see more of the feel good posts but rest assured they are short lived. You're never thin enough, you've never fasted enough. That pickle you ate was too much, you shouldn't be drinking cranberry juice, why did you put sugar in your tea. Those are the thoughts attached to every single one of my "successes". Today I've eaten nothing but half a pickle and I'm ashamed at myself for even that small amount.
With all that being said I do think I'll be returning to this blog. I need a place where I can post candidly about Ana, without fear of repercussions. That's what this is to me. If it in any way helps you cope with your ED, or even if it just gives you a quick laugh between classes then that's wonderful as well. Avoid it if you find it triggering, but also use it when you think you're alone out there in your struggle. My email is always open to my Angels, so if there's something you need help with, or even something you'd like to vent about but are not comfortable posting publicly about, drop me an email.
Anyways, for those wondering I'm still at 112lbs, which is a fucking miracle considering I've been eating disgustingly this first month of school. Over now, back to fasting. 102 is not that far off :)
Oh and I'm also quite vulgar ;)
Charlie
Sunday, 28 August 2011
Thin Mutt.
Wreaking havoc as usual. Just leave him be, he doesn't care. No one does. You're my girl now, we're all we have left in this world. I will never question nor wander from Ana's path again. I am hers. I will do whatever she asks. I will be strong. I will be thin. The only way out is up.
Ambitions.
I want a 0 calorie day. A day where I don't intake anything but water, sweet zero calorie water. That day will be today. I can last until work, and I can pass out after work. I avoided a binge last night, which I'm very proud of but my scale says 112, which doesn't make sense. How can my weight fluctuate so dramatically when I know I'm not eating 2lbs worth of food AND I exercise like a fiend? It seriously stresses me out.
Anyways, so today is just water. I can do this, I know I can. I'm stronger than I've been as of late, I know this. I can resist food, I can. It's just food, right?
Oh and @Sam: To answer your question, I'm 5'1". So I'm really not thin at all. But I'm getting there, one way or another.
Tuesday night is Tequila and Taco night with a good friend of mine. The tacos will be super healthy, filled with lean chicken and kale and all sorts of delicious things. The Tequila..... well, it will be Tequila. But I'm not too worried because I don't plan on eating anything until those Tacos. I can do this, I can earn those tacos.
Stay strong Angels,
Charlie
Anyways, so today is just water. I can do this, I know I can. I'm stronger than I've been as of late, I know this. I can resist food, I can. It's just food, right?
Oh and @Sam: To answer your question, I'm 5'1". So I'm really not thin at all. But I'm getting there, one way or another.
Tuesday night is Tequila and Taco night with a good friend of mine. The tacos will be super healthy, filled with lean chicken and kale and all sorts of delicious things. The Tequila..... well, it will be Tequila. But I'm not too worried because I don't plan on eating anything until those Tacos. I can do this, I can earn those tacos.
Stay strong Angels,
Charlie
Friday, 26 August 2011
110.
Surprisingly I owe this to my mother for yelling at me yesterday. I was going to cave and have a bit of the chicken wings and fries she made after work but she yelled at me on the way home and I ended up doing 100 crunches and 25 leg lifts instead. Thanks mum ;)
Anyways I'm fasting today as well because I MUST get to 109. Must. I'm so close. I have a hot Yoga class today which I'll get through on vitamin water and gatorade. Those two are the perfect combination for those of us who want to fast, but don't want to pass out and end up in the ER for the god knows how many time this summer. When I wake up I drink my routine cup of coffee, then the vitamin water (today is Multi-V to make up for the vitamins I've not been getting through food) and I drink the gatorade after my Yoga class. Perfect. Of course I drink loads of water on top of those, that's key too.
I'm so excited to finally be back in the 10x's again! Ugh I was so heavy last year it disgusts me. 120? Wow. Way to let yourself go there, Charlie. So I hereby vow, in front of all my Angels, to never let myself balloon up there again. I'm going to be thin from here on out, never will I give in to food like that. I'm going to fast and restrict myself down to 102, maybe lower who knows. But at 102 I'll have officially lost 15% of my body fat. Great, no? Only 8lbs to go !
Motivation and skinny thoughts for all my Angels,
Charlie
Anyways I'm fasting today as well because I MUST get to 109. Must. I'm so close. I have a hot Yoga class today which I'll get through on vitamin water and gatorade. Those two are the perfect combination for those of us who want to fast, but don't want to pass out and end up in the ER for the god knows how many time this summer. When I wake up I drink my routine cup of coffee, then the vitamin water (today is Multi-V to make up for the vitamins I've not been getting through food) and I drink the gatorade after my Yoga class. Perfect. Of course I drink loads of water on top of those, that's key too.
I'm so excited to finally be back in the 10x's again! Ugh I was so heavy last year it disgusts me. 120? Wow. Way to let yourself go there, Charlie. So I hereby vow, in front of all my Angels, to never let myself balloon up there again. I'm going to be thin from here on out, never will I give in to food like that. I'm going to fast and restrict myself down to 102, maybe lower who knows. But at 102 I'll have officially lost 15% of my body fat. Great, no? Only 8lbs to go !
Motivation and skinny thoughts for all my Angels,
Charlie
Wednesday, 24 August 2011
Empty Empty Empty.
I am oh so empty <3
I have eaten nothing today, I will eat nothing tomorrow. Yoga will get progressively harder but do increasingly more to help me lose. These are the needed lbs now, not extra here or there. To break 110 will be to finally turn my body from a strong dancers body to a thin girl. A thin girl who has trouble getting through a yoga sequence and feels like a weak piece of shit but refuses to do what's necessary to be strong. A thin girl who knows nothing but being thin. Some sort of thin mutation, a thin little mutt.
Thin mutts never forget how much they hate their mothers, unlike their healthy counterparts who succumb to their brief spats of kindness. Thin mutts remember when she picked you up from work drunk and thin mutts punish her for it. Thin mutts do not give in to food cravings, they suck back the salt water flush and watch as anything that once was intake is gone gone gone. Thin mutts are never thin enough. I am a thin mutt, and I'm glad to be back.
Do I wish I was thinner going back to school? Of course. But I'm not. I'm 112lbs, and were I anything but a Thin Mutt I'd realize how good I look. But I'm not, so that's irrelevant. I don't want to look good and healthy, I want to look THIN. The thin that people whisper about behind your back, commenting to their friends that you're "too skinny" but secretly wishing they could look like you too. But not everyone can commit to the Thin Mutt way, some are too happy and too healthy.
And others.... well you know about them better than anyone, Angels.
Charlie
I have eaten nothing today, I will eat nothing tomorrow. Yoga will get progressively harder but do increasingly more to help me lose. These are the needed lbs now, not extra here or there. To break 110 will be to finally turn my body from a strong dancers body to a thin girl. A thin girl who has trouble getting through a yoga sequence and feels like a weak piece of shit but refuses to do what's necessary to be strong. A thin girl who knows nothing but being thin. Some sort of thin mutation, a thin little mutt.
Thin mutts never forget how much they hate their mothers, unlike their healthy counterparts who succumb to their brief spats of kindness. Thin mutts remember when she picked you up from work drunk and thin mutts punish her for it. Thin mutts do not give in to food cravings, they suck back the salt water flush and watch as anything that once was intake is gone gone gone. Thin mutts are never thin enough. I am a thin mutt, and I'm glad to be back.
Do I wish I was thinner going back to school? Of course. But I'm not. I'm 112lbs, and were I anything but a Thin Mutt I'd realize how good I look. But I'm not, so that's irrelevant. I don't want to look good and healthy, I want to look THIN. The thin that people whisper about behind your back, commenting to their friends that you're "too skinny" but secretly wishing they could look like you too. But not everyone can commit to the Thin Mutt way, some are too happy and too healthy.
And others.... well you know about them better than anyone, Angels.
Charlie
Tuesday, 9 August 2011
Monday, 8 August 2011
Cabbage Soup for Two.
I've forgotten to mention something very important to you guys: I've met a fellow Ana at work! At first we both seemed normal to each other, but slowly the more we talked it just came out. We're dieting, crazy, food obsessed Anas. We literally discuss our diet and food plans and goals our entire shift. So much fun!
It's also really nice to finally have someone who knows what this is like. Now I know I have all of you, and believe me when I say that all of your comments help and mean so much to me. But it's nice to be able to talk to someone face to face and know that I'm not the only one who loses control like this.
So together we're doing a 7 day Cabbage Soup Diet. I'm making it with my mum this evening and I'll be sure to post the recipe for you guys but it's basically going to be vegetarian, low-cal, low-sodium, and super healthy. My mum once told me that it's good to eat nothing but boiled cabbage for a few days once a year, that her doctor recommended it once as a good detox for all the horrible things the average person puts in their body. So why not try it out? I think nothing but cabbage soup for a week should result in a loss.
I'll keep you posted Angels,
Charlie
It's also really nice to finally have someone who knows what this is like. Now I know I have all of you, and believe me when I say that all of your comments help and mean so much to me. But it's nice to be able to talk to someone face to face and know that I'm not the only one who loses control like this.
So together we're doing a 7 day Cabbage Soup Diet. I'm making it with my mum this evening and I'll be sure to post the recipe for you guys but it's basically going to be vegetarian, low-cal, low-sodium, and super healthy. My mum once told me that it's good to eat nothing but boiled cabbage for a few days once a year, that her doctor recommended it once as a good detox for all the horrible things the average person puts in their body. So why not try it out? I think nothing but cabbage soup for a week should result in a loss.
I'll keep you posted Angels,
Charlie
Thursday, 4 August 2011
That Empty Feeling.
That growl in your belly. That light headed feeling. Oh how I've missed you.
I'm over the moon ecstatic, Angels. Sunday night I was 117lbs, and panicked beyond belief. This morning, after a three day fast which ended with a 350cal ice cream I weighed in at 114.
!!
3lbs gone, just like that. I'm still 3lbs heavier than I was pre-July bingefest, but I'm dropping the weight quickly. I'm even developing a thigh gap. I know 100% now that I am back on track, and so determined to reach my goal weight. First 109, then 102, and then.... well I tell myself I'm going to stop at 102 but I know that once i get there I'll want 98 and then we'll really find out how deep the rabbit hole goes.
Today I'm fasting, nothing but water and perhaps a Diet Coke at work if I start to get a little dizzy. Tomorrow will be 250cal spicy crab roll and an 80 cal spicy miso soup for a total of 330cal. My Hot Yoga class and the jog home will leave me with a deficit intake and hopefully another loss. Saturday is sub 500cals again (I think this whole month needs to be sub 500 no matter what) and Sun - Tues is a 3 day fast again. This is my last month before school and I am determined to make it count.
Sending skinnies to all my Angels,
Charlie
I'm over the moon ecstatic, Angels. Sunday night I was 117lbs, and panicked beyond belief. This morning, after a three day fast which ended with a 350cal ice cream I weighed in at 114.
!!
3lbs gone, just like that. I'm still 3lbs heavier than I was pre-July bingefest, but I'm dropping the weight quickly. I'm even developing a thigh gap. I know 100% now that I am back on track, and so determined to reach my goal weight. First 109, then 102, and then.... well I tell myself I'm going to stop at 102 but I know that once i get there I'll want 98 and then we'll really find out how deep the rabbit hole goes.
Today I'm fasting, nothing but water and perhaps a Diet Coke at work if I start to get a little dizzy. Tomorrow will be 250cal spicy crab roll and an 80 cal spicy miso soup for a total of 330cal. My Hot Yoga class and the jog home will leave me with a deficit intake and hopefully another loss. Saturday is sub 500cals again (I think this whole month needs to be sub 500 no matter what) and Sun - Tues is a 3 day fast again. This is my last month before school and I am determined to make it count.
Sending skinnies to all my Angels,
Charlie
Wednesday, 3 August 2011
Tuesday, 2 August 2011
Oh There you are, Willpower.
Just popping in - yes, drunk - to let my lovely Angels know that I've done it. I'm back on track. Tonight we went out drinking and I actually said NO to McDonald's. Which is fucking hard because I have an odd addiction to their Mac Sauce. I could eat it with a spoon. But not tonight. Living on a banana and some Tequila; a good day in any books :)
Skinny girls don't buy their own drinks Angles,
Charlie
Skinny girls don't buy their own drinks Angles,
Charlie
Wednesday, 27 July 2011
Oh Angels Angels Angels.
I've been neglecting you because I'm ashamed. I can't get my eating under check. I'm trying. If anything August is a new month and with new months comes new motivation. I want to be worthy of your comments and support, right now I'm just a fat cow who can't stop.
But it ends right now. I put myself a bowl of cheerios to munch on and I'm not going to eat them. Tomorrow I will do my best to keep it under 700. That's still a high number for me but I guess baby steps. August 1 marks a 3 day fast and the start of the 10 Day Challenge. I just have to ease into it and hope that I can lose what I've gained back in record time. Once school starts fasting will be so simple, but for now I have to work on my discipline.
I can do this. WE can do this. It will all be worth it in the end.
I miss all my Angels,
Charlie
But it ends right now. I put myself a bowl of cheerios to munch on and I'm not going to eat them. Tomorrow I will do my best to keep it under 700. That's still a high number for me but I guess baby steps. August 1 marks a 3 day fast and the start of the 10 Day Challenge. I just have to ease into it and hope that I can lose what I've gained back in record time. Once school starts fasting will be so simple, but for now I have to work on my discipline.
I can do this. WE can do this. It will all be worth it in the end.
I miss all my Angels,
Charlie
Monday, 18 July 2011
We Have to Stop Meeting Like This....
Aha so, sorry for disappearing AGAIN. Here's the catch up as quick as I can:
First off, was barred from signing up for my second year courses because my transfer credits from Theatre School have STILL not been entered into the system and I now have too few credits to be second year. Despite the fact that i sent them not one, not two, but THREE transcripts last summer. Three. Fucking. Transcripts. The third one I physically handed to the admissions woman so there is no excuse. I've now handed in a fourth one and... still nothing. It's not the end of the world taking a general one or two course year in fact it actually might be best for me to try and get my anxiety disorder in check but I do not want to spend an extra year in school mother fuckers.
Anxiety level: High
Next thing I know I am two weeks late. Possibly preggers. Oh my god what do I do? Potential baby daddy's consist of this cute British guy who left for a month long expedition (Welcome home, let's have a child together) and some rando at a bar.
Anxiety level: Intense
So I get my period and life is good. British boy comes home and we're hanging out. Things are looking good finally. But there's that school thing. I can't handle uncertainty like this. I am freaking out. And when I freak out I lose control of my fasting and restricting. I binge. And binge. And binge. Chicken burgers with hot sauce become my reason to exist, but also my nemesis. They balloon me back up to 117lbs.
Anxiety level: Somebody kill me I can't handle life.
But all of that is cool now. Yoga is my savior and work is my safe heaven. Can't eat there! I've been fasting the weekend away and will continue until I go out for dinner with British Boy tomorrow night. Back to 115 which is better, but when I think of how close I was to 109 a month ago it makes me sick. So I've got two back to back Hot Yoga classes to look forward to tonight and afterwards I'll be so tired I can collapse in bed and live off water and air.
Can I lose 6lbs by August? Of course I can, anything is possible if you watch enough infomercials!
Let's get it together and fast until we see bones Angels,
Charlie xoxo
First off, was barred from signing up for my second year courses because my transfer credits from Theatre School have STILL not been entered into the system and I now have too few credits to be second year. Despite the fact that i sent them not one, not two, but THREE transcripts last summer. Three. Fucking. Transcripts. The third one I physically handed to the admissions woman so there is no excuse. I've now handed in a fourth one and... still nothing. It's not the end of the world taking a general one or two course year in fact it actually might be best for me to try and get my anxiety disorder in check but I do not want to spend an extra year in school mother fuckers.
Anxiety level: High
Next thing I know I am two weeks late. Possibly preggers. Oh my god what do I do? Potential baby daddy's consist of this cute British guy who left for a month long expedition (Welcome home, let's have a child together) and some rando at a bar.
Anxiety level: Intense
So I get my period and life is good. British boy comes home and we're hanging out. Things are looking good finally. But there's that school thing. I can't handle uncertainty like this. I am freaking out. And when I freak out I lose control of my fasting and restricting. I binge. And binge. And binge. Chicken burgers with hot sauce become my reason to exist, but also my nemesis. They balloon me back up to 117lbs.
Anxiety level: Somebody kill me I can't handle life.
But all of that is cool now. Yoga is my savior and work is my safe heaven. Can't eat there! I've been fasting the weekend away and will continue until I go out for dinner with British Boy tomorrow night. Back to 115 which is better, but when I think of how close I was to 109 a month ago it makes me sick. So I've got two back to back Hot Yoga classes to look forward to tonight and afterwards I'll be so tired I can collapse in bed and live off water and air.
Can I lose 6lbs by August? Of course I can, anything is possible if you watch enough infomercials!
Let's get it together and fast until we see bones Angels,
Charlie xoxo
Tuesday, 28 June 2011
Speaking of Babies....
If I don't get my period pronto I will lose my fucking mind.
1. I am bloated. We're talking 4lbs in a day. ONE DAY. I went from 112 to 116. What the fucking fuck. This was Saturday by the way, I've pretty much been out of my mind since.
2. I don't particularly fancy having a child at the moment.
3. FOUR POUNDS
4. lbs.
5. Umm I binged today. Badly. And I would like for the reason to be period hormones and not eating for two. I don't want to eat for two, I don't even want to eat for one.
I don't have anything else to say except I'm three day fasting, tomorrow being a fruit fast to get this food out of my body. Babies like fruit, right?
Abstinence Angels,
Charlie
1. I am bloated. We're talking 4lbs in a day. ONE DAY. I went from 112 to 116. What the fucking fuck. This was Saturday by the way, I've pretty much been out of my mind since.
2. I don't particularly fancy having a child at the moment.
3. FOUR POUNDS
4. lbs.
5. Umm I binged today. Badly. And I would like for the reason to be period hormones and not eating for two. I don't want to eat for two, I don't even want to eat for one.
I don't have anything else to say except I'm three day fasting, tomorrow being a fruit fast to get this food out of my body. Babies like fruit, right?
Abstinence Angels,
Charlie
Thursday, 23 June 2011
Weekend Rush.
Well, it's that time again: weekends at the restaurant. I adore working, it's busy, physical, and I can't be eating. Pure bliss. And tomorrow night will be even better because I am finally starting to serve. I hate hostessing with such a burning passion. It is so boring. "Hi how are you?" "Table for two?" "Right this way..." Stand and wait, and wait, and wait. Roll cutlery, repeat. Shoot self in foot and hope to be sent home.
I'm really glad about this new place because everyone here is so nice. The place I used to work at was insane, and it's nice to serve families instead of the Russian mob. I highly recommend serving as a summer job, it's such busy work you are always moving. It's like a workout you get paid to do! At the end of my shift my legs ache and my shoulders are sore, but it feels so good. And then my tummy growls and I go to sleep knowing the morning will bring a loss.
Ahhhhh.
So I've decided to move my three day fasts from Mon-Weds to Fri-Sun. It might seem crazy to try to fast and work but I figure fast + yoga + work = greater loss than fast + yoga alone. I have 4lbs to lose this week, it's beginning to look like I might not make my goal. But I'm not giving up, this week might be a killer but next week I'm up at the cottage with my cousins so I need to push through.
I am so close to 109 I can feel it. I want it so bad.
Stay strong with me Angels,
Charlie
I'm really glad about this new place because everyone here is so nice. The place I used to work at was insane, and it's nice to serve families instead of the Russian mob. I highly recommend serving as a summer job, it's such busy work you are always moving. It's like a workout you get paid to do! At the end of my shift my legs ache and my shoulders are sore, but it feels so good. And then my tummy growls and I go to sleep knowing the morning will bring a loss.
Ahhhhh.
So I've decided to move my three day fasts from Mon-Weds to Fri-Sun. It might seem crazy to try to fast and work but I figure fast + yoga + work = greater loss than fast + yoga alone. I have 4lbs to lose this week, it's beginning to look like I might not make my goal. But I'm not giving up, this week might be a killer but next week I'm up at the cottage with my cousins so I need to push through.
I am so close to 109 I can feel it. I want it so bad.
Stay strong with me Angels,
Charlie
Tuesday, 21 June 2011
113 and Cupcake Day
Awwwwwww yeah !
Liquid fast went spectacularly! I've lost 3lbs and I've only got 4 more to lose by July 1. I can do this. I will get to 109. I can fast and work, I can fast and exercise, I can fast in the sun. This is it Angels, this is the summer when I finally do it.
I will be 98lbs by September.
The only thing holding us back is ourselves. Our bodies are stronger than we give them credit for. Personally, my issue is losing that grumble in my tummy. I love that grumble. When I feel it I know I can fast forever. But after a while that grumble goes away, your body stops telling you when it needs food. That's where I'm at now and it sucks. Sometimes eating a few almonds or a peach will kick start the grumble but sometimes it doesn't and that's what usually triggers the binge. I need to stop that habit, I'm so determined right now even though I had a chicken burger for dinner.
Okay so this is how it happened:
I overheard my grandmother telling my mother that I don't eat during the day, which is true. I feel like such an awful person when I realize how much my grandmother worries about me. She sees what my mother is just too far gone to see. I know she can't handle her own issues let alone mine or my brother's and I know I should be sympathetic but I just hate her for giving up. And I hate me for hating her.
Anyways it's my uncle's birthday and he was going to come over and we were going to have hamburgers. I wasn't planning on eating anything, not even some salad but then once again my grandmother shows how much she cares. Sitting beside the burgers was a single chicken burger. Just one.
For me.
Because she knows I like them better than hamburgers.
Because she knows I didn't eat anything but that cupcake today.
Because she just wants me to eat and be happy.
Because she genuinely cares.
So I ate it with some hot sauce and it was incredible but now I feel fat and disgusted with myself for eating. I shouldn't have put it on a bun, I could have just cut it up and dipped it in hot sauce. And then I feel terrible for hating my grandmother for caring so damn much.
I'm fasting tomorrow because I know she won't be home. Maybe I'll start leaving plates with crumbs on the counter so she'll think I made a sandwich. You can shake some out of the bottom of the bag of bread and spread hem on a plate and nobody will know. Except of course for my grandmother who will be suspicious as to why I made a sandwich on sliced bread when she knows how much I love the kaiser buns she buys. At least she can't say anything to my mum because she'll go berserk at her for trying to parent us. In fact, the more she says anything to my mum the longer my mum will refuse to see anything out of pure stubbornness. My god this is fucked up. Whatever, I'm 113 ;)
Stay twisted Angels,
Charlie
Liquid fast went spectacularly! I've lost 3lbs and I've only got 4 more to lose by July 1. I can do this. I will get to 109. I can fast and work, I can fast and exercise, I can fast in the sun. This is it Angels, this is the summer when I finally do it.
I will be 98lbs by September.
The only thing holding us back is ourselves. Our bodies are stronger than we give them credit for. Personally, my issue is losing that grumble in my tummy. I love that grumble. When I feel it I know I can fast forever. But after a while that grumble goes away, your body stops telling you when it needs food. That's where I'm at now and it sucks. Sometimes eating a few almonds or a peach will kick start the grumble but sometimes it doesn't and that's what usually triggers the binge. I need to stop that habit, I'm so determined right now even though I had a chicken burger for dinner.
Okay so this is how it happened:
I overheard my grandmother telling my mother that I don't eat during the day, which is true. I feel like such an awful person when I realize how much my grandmother worries about me. She sees what my mother is just too far gone to see. I know she can't handle her own issues let alone mine or my brother's and I know I should be sympathetic but I just hate her for giving up. And I hate me for hating her.
Anyways it's my uncle's birthday and he was going to come over and we were going to have hamburgers. I wasn't planning on eating anything, not even some salad but then once again my grandmother shows how much she cares. Sitting beside the burgers was a single chicken burger. Just one.
For me.
Because she knows I like them better than hamburgers.
Because she knows I didn't eat anything but that cupcake today.
Because she just wants me to eat and be happy.
Because she genuinely cares.
So I ate it with some hot sauce and it was incredible but now I feel fat and disgusted with myself for eating. I shouldn't have put it on a bun, I could have just cut it up and dipped it in hot sauce. And then I feel terrible for hating my grandmother for caring so damn much.
I'm fasting tomorrow because I know she won't be home. Maybe I'll start leaving plates with crumbs on the counter so she'll think I made a sandwich. You can shake some out of the bottom of the bag of bread and spread hem on a plate and nobody will know. Except of course for my grandmother who will be suspicious as to why I made a sandwich on sliced bread when she knows how much I love the kaiser buns she buys. At least she can't say anything to my mum because she'll go berserk at her for trying to parent us. In fact, the more she says anything to my mum the longer my mum will refuse to see anything out of pure stubbornness. My god this is fucked up. Whatever, I'm 113 ;)
Stay twisted Angels,
Charlie
Tuesday, 14 June 2011
Anything else with that?
No thanks, just an unsweetened Black Tea iced tea for me. pleasestopofferingimightsayyes.
So on my hour long walk home from Yoga I pass a Starbucks. Now usually my wallet is too empty to consider even stepping foot inside there but this past week I've made quite a bit in tips and decided to treat myself to a delicious unsweetened iced tea. And there's little to no calories in there if you get it without the syrup by the way. I promise you'll adjust to the bitterness and even grow to like it.
Anyways, there are these cupcakes and normally I don't like cupcakes but these ones look incredible. They're peanut butter chocolate, which again I don't normally care for, but these are different. These are decadent. These shine in the florescent light. These call my name and do card tricks when I'm just trying to order my freaking iced tea. And they're always there with their little 180cal sign next to them. Bastards. Who do you think you are anyways? You're just cupcakes. Nobody liked you enough to make you into a full sized cake. I swear I've been good angels, I've resisted the cocky little shits.
But I want them. I want them so damn bad.
Every once and a while Angels, it's good to indulge. Now I'm not talking binge on 12 of them or anything, but one is no going to kill you. I'm not one to say one thing and do another so I've decided that IF- and only IF- I liquid fast Fri-Sun I can have ONE cupcake on Tuesday after Yoga. And of course nothing else to eat that day because really? Do you need anything else when you've just shoved pure fat and sugar down your throat?
I find that when I hit a rutt, such as the 116lb one I'm in now, a little incentive such as this one often breaks me through. So here's the plan until Tuesday:
Tomorrow: 0cal liquid fast.
Thursday: MAX 500cals. Sandwich + fruit.
Friday: liquid fast
Saturday: liquid fast
Sunday: liquid fast
Monday: Fruit only cleanse
Tuesday: Cupcake day.
Then I'm thinking sub 500 until Friday and another 3 day fast. I'm supposed to be 110 be July 1, dammit! 6lbs in 2 weeks is do-able, right? Fucking right it is. Ana give me strength.
The only possible problem I can foresee is Sunday, when I'll be working 12pm - 10pm. Normally keeping os busy is perfect for fasting, but at my work everyone seems to want to get me to eat. We have this meal plan, which obviously I'm not on, but my manager ALWAYS asks me if I'm hungry, or if I'd like to sit and have a bite, etc etc. I know he's being kind, I'm aware this sort of behaviour is incredible, but it stresses me out. I mean, aside from holidays I work 5 hr shifts.
HOW HUNGRY COULD I POSSIBLY GET IN 5 HRS!?
So Sunday is going to be rough, they'll notice I haven't eaten. I might be able to pass off an upset stomach, I'm just hoping they don't try to send me home. Seriously, these people are way too nice. I kind of miss my old job where I called my manager from the emergency room and he still expected me to come in to work that evening. Where I'd work 12hr shifts and still be told off for taking a meal break. (Well, my co-workers did, I don't do meal breaks ;) ) But I love everyone for looking out for me, I truly do. Wouldn't it be interesting if it's coworkers at a new job that finally alert someone to this whole mess?
The world makes no sense Angels,
Charlie
So on my hour long walk home from Yoga I pass a Starbucks. Now usually my wallet is too empty to consider even stepping foot inside there but this past week I've made quite a bit in tips and decided to treat myself to a delicious unsweetened iced tea. And there's little to no calories in there if you get it without the syrup by the way. I promise you'll adjust to the bitterness and even grow to like it.
Anyways, there are these cupcakes and normally I don't like cupcakes but these ones look incredible. They're peanut butter chocolate, which again I don't normally care for, but these are different. These are decadent. These shine in the florescent light. These call my name and do card tricks when I'm just trying to order my freaking iced tea. And they're always there with their little 180cal sign next to them. Bastards. Who do you think you are anyways? You're just cupcakes. Nobody liked you enough to make you into a full sized cake. I swear I've been good angels, I've resisted the cocky little shits.
But I want them. I want them so damn bad.
Every once and a while Angels, it's good to indulge. Now I'm not talking binge on 12 of them or anything, but one is no going to kill you. I'm not one to say one thing and do another so I've decided that IF- and only IF- I liquid fast Fri-Sun I can have ONE cupcake on Tuesday after Yoga. And of course nothing else to eat that day because really? Do you need anything else when you've just shoved pure fat and sugar down your throat?
I find that when I hit a rutt, such as the 116lb one I'm in now, a little incentive such as this one often breaks me through. So here's the plan until Tuesday:
Tomorrow: 0cal liquid fast.
Thursday: MAX 500cals. Sandwich + fruit.
Friday: liquid fast
Saturday: liquid fast
Sunday: liquid fast
Monday: Fruit only cleanse
Tuesday: Cupcake day.
Then I'm thinking sub 500 until Friday and another 3 day fast. I'm supposed to be 110 be July 1, dammit! 6lbs in 2 weeks is do-able, right? Fucking right it is. Ana give me strength.
The only possible problem I can foresee is Sunday, when I'll be working 12pm - 10pm. Normally keeping os busy is perfect for fasting, but at my work everyone seems to want to get me to eat. We have this meal plan, which obviously I'm not on, but my manager ALWAYS asks me if I'm hungry, or if I'd like to sit and have a bite, etc etc. I know he's being kind, I'm aware this sort of behaviour is incredible, but it stresses me out. I mean, aside from holidays I work 5 hr shifts.
HOW HUNGRY COULD I POSSIBLY GET IN 5 HRS!?
So Sunday is going to be rough, they'll notice I haven't eaten. I might be able to pass off an upset stomach, I'm just hoping they don't try to send me home. Seriously, these people are way too nice. I kind of miss my old job where I called my manager from the emergency room and he still expected me to come in to work that evening. Where I'd work 12hr shifts and still be told off for taking a meal break. (Well, my co-workers did, I don't do meal breaks ;) ) But I love everyone for looking out for me, I truly do. Wouldn't it be interesting if it's coworkers at a new job that finally alert someone to this whole mess?
The world makes no sense Angels,
Charlie
Saturday, 11 June 2011
Dear Mother,
The reason I tend to "freak out" and "obsess over" situations like this are because I have severe anxiety issues. So severe is my anxiety that the only way I can control it is by fasting and extreme restricting. Some people like to call this Anorexia, but our family is perfect and such things could not be possible.
It does truly bother me that instead of recognizing that your daughter has had these issues for over 8 years now, you continue to yell at me for it and make me feel worse than I already do when I spiral out of control. I will be the first to admit that I've overreacted over the past two days, I know that I could have handled the situation a lot better than I did. But here's the thing, I can't control this sometimes. When you come between me and my eating/fitness routine I have the potential to snap and drive myself crazy over it. Yelling at me has never stopped this from happening so perhaps it's time for a different approach?
Oh yeah, I haven't eaten today and you've been in the kitchen the whole time and haven't said boo to me. Times like these I feel truly loved.
Anyways on a note that isn't my wench of a mother, I have my period. The bloat has ballooned me to 117, and the stress of having to miss Yoga this morning has not helped me in any way. At least I have work tonight where I'm on my feet all night. I think I'll even jiggle my legs at the hostess stand to burn a few extra calories. Couldn't hurt, right?
It does truly bother me that instead of recognizing that your daughter has had these issues for over 8 years now, you continue to yell at me for it and make me feel worse than I already do when I spiral out of control. I will be the first to admit that I've overreacted over the past two days, I know that I could have handled the situation a lot better than I did. But here's the thing, I can't control this sometimes. When you come between me and my eating/fitness routine I have the potential to snap and drive myself crazy over it. Yelling at me has never stopped this from happening so perhaps it's time for a different approach?
Oh yeah, I haven't eaten today and you've been in the kitchen the whole time and haven't said boo to me. Times like these I feel truly loved.
Anyways on a note that isn't my wench of a mother, I have my period. The bloat has ballooned me to 117, and the stress of having to miss Yoga this morning has not helped me in any way. At least I have work tonight where I'm on my feet all night. I think I'll even jiggle my legs at the hostess stand to burn a few extra calories. Couldn't hurt, right?
When the hell did this train stop in Crazytown?
So I'm at work, minding my own business, you know making money and contributing to society. Oh by the way I got a job at a Greek restaurant and I love it. Anyways while I'm working my ass off so I can finally stop hostessing and start serving my dumbass brother is stealing my backpack so he can go smoke weed with his low life friends. In this backpack are my birth control pills, (umm, need those.) my sunscreen, and my Yoga pass.
Let me explain this Yoga pass to you. First off it costs 90$ a month. No joke. But it's worth it because it gives me unlimited access to Yoga classes, which run several times a day in different styles. I love this pass, I breathe this pass. This pass is the very reason I have to look forward to the morning because the classes at this studio are incredible.
Obviously I was pissed off when I got home and found it missing. I called the stupid little brat yelling at him and he got mad at me for having the audacity to find this sort of behaviour unacceptable. Whatever. He promises the bag will be here in the morning but obviously when my Yoga pass is missing I can't sleep. Anxiety over the sheer possibility of missing my 10am Hot Yoga class is enough to make me jog in place for nearly an hour because I had two slices of pizza tonight and if I can't get to this class that will turn to cellulite and weight gain. Not on my watch, pizza.
The hours tick by. 3am, 3:30, 4am etc, until it's 5 fucking 30 and the stupid little shit walks through the front door. Immediately I demand my backpack from him. And guess what, he left it at his friend's house.
SURPRISE. You wonder why I never lend you my buss pass.
Of course now I'm not just angry, Ana's angry too. And speaking as the usual sole recipient of said Ana-rage I know it's not pretty. My mum hears me screaming at him and wakes up and rushes into the room.
And yells at me.
Alright given I shouldn't be screaming at 5:30 in the morning but come on, the stupid fuck left my Yoga pass at some dickwad's house. She got mad at him for coming home at 5:30 but has no plans on waking his ass up at 8am and forcing his burnt out little body to go retrieve my stuff. She tells me "it's just one class" and storms out.
This is fucking ridiculous. The poor little baby steals my shit, leaves it at his friends, gets high, crashes in at 5:30 and heaven forbid he should have to wake up tired and fix the situation. GOOD PARENTING. This is how to teach your child responsibility for those of you who weren't sure. This right here. "Do whatever the fuck you want, I don't care. Show blatant disregard for other's belongings and have a good rest, you deserve it."
Needless to say, I will not be eating today.
Tuesday, 24 May 2011
Someone needs to tape my mouth shut.
It's not that I'm eating a lot, I'm restricting quite well. My original idea was to restrict all this week and see what happens, maybe even try and throw my body off but it's not working. 117. 117. 117. It's huge, like my thighs. I need to stop eating, I need to fast. Why has fasting suddenly become impossible? I don't know what to do, I feel like I'm losing control and I'm getting fat. Fat fat fat fat fat. Ew. I hate everything in the mirror; my huge thighs are the latest target of my hatred. They're so hideous and covered in cellulite, which my friend says are stretch marks but my mom says is cellulite. Guess who I believe.
Cut the self-indulgent bullshit, nobody cares.
Have I mentioned Ana won't shut up? She's seriously pissed off at my weakness. Fair enough, I've not been good to her. I'm sorry Ana.
Anyways, I'm watching 16 and Pregnant which ironically is now focusing on an anorexic pregnant girl. It's got me thinking; if I found out I was pregnant tomorrow would I stop restricting and fasting for the baby? Would I even be able to? Would I see a pregnant stomach or a fat one? These sorts of questions are easy for most people, but then again most people don't have Ana picking the fat off your bones.
I feel for this girl.
"If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder, blah blah blah"
Struggling is most definitely the word. You haven't fasted in weeks. You don't have an eating disorder, you're too fat. You probably just want some attention. You're pathetic.
I'm sorry, I'm trying, my dog ate it.
I hope your days are going better Angels,
Charlie
P.S. I want to take this time to shout out to Ariana, whose comments always cheer me up. Just want you to know how much your support means to me, sending you extra skinnies because if anyone deserves it, it's you.
Cut the self-indulgent bullshit, nobody cares.
Have I mentioned Ana won't shut up? She's seriously pissed off at my weakness. Fair enough, I've not been good to her. I'm sorry Ana.
Anyways, I'm watching 16 and Pregnant which ironically is now focusing on an anorexic pregnant girl. It's got me thinking; if I found out I was pregnant tomorrow would I stop restricting and fasting for the baby? Would I even be able to? Would I see a pregnant stomach or a fat one? These sorts of questions are easy for most people, but then again most people don't have Ana picking the fat off your bones.
I feel for this girl.
"If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder, blah blah blah"
Struggling is most definitely the word. You haven't fasted in weeks. You don't have an eating disorder, you're too fat. You probably just want some attention. You're pathetic.
I'm sorry, I'm trying, my dog ate it.
I hope your days are going better Angels,
Charlie
P.S. I want to take this time to shout out to Ariana, whose comments always cheer me up. Just want you to know how much your support means to me, sending you extra skinnies because if anyone deserves it, it's you.
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