On the Brink.

I might fail this course. It's killing me. I don't fail. Ever. I'm breaking apart. I ate so much this weekend. I'm going to eat tomorrow. It's a vicious cycle. I just need to break it. Need to get through the next week. But the temptation of throwing myself off a bridge is growing. I can't do this. Why did I let it get this bad?

Just... Keep.... Pushing.

Really sorry I've been a-wol on you guys lately. School is almost through, projects are almost done, and I am almost free. Down to 118 and that's without having time to work out so you can rest assured I'm keeping on track. Another 3 Day fast coming up. The usual; Sun 8pm - Weds 8pm. I have a monstrous assignment due on Tuesday and a final essay on Friday so by Saturday at the very latest I should be back in full swing! (Oh and did I mention Tuesday is also my birthday ;) )

Don't cry for me Angels,
Charlie

Sweet, Sweet Nothings.

Be proud Angels, I've fasted well today. I feel so light and empty and free and wonderful! Oh how I've missed the 3-day fast. I've forgotten how glorious it feels to go to sleep feeling hungry. I know we all love being hungry but do any of you truly enjoy the feeling of hunger? It's so strange but I adore the bubbly-growly feeling you get when you're hungry. Once I feel it I can fast for days because I love it so much. I feel it now and already my stress levels are lower. This is why I love Ana; my entire life is spiralling out of control but she's always there keeping things in check.

I suppose now's a good a time as any to introduce you to my crazy family. I live with my mom, my brother, and my grandmother. My father died years ago, leaving me with my psychotic mother whom you'll surely hear loads more about. She's crazy. And vicious. You have no idea how horrible this woman is, this one time I had just finished an incredible 5 day fast and I had rewarded myself with one chocolate bar. Obviously if I have chocolate I can't have dinner, too many calories! I fed her some bullshit excuse about my stomach hurting and instead of being concerned she notices the wrapper in the garbage and say, I kid you the fuck not, "Your stomach probably hurts because you're snacking too much." What the fuck. How, just... how. I haven't eaten chocolate since so I guess I should thank her. Anyways, she's gone a little off the deep end in the last year or two with her wine drinking. She drinks it all night then passes out on the couch. I generally keep to my room once she's dipped into the vino - again, great way to stick with Ana - because she either gets really annoying or picks fights with you. Horrible, mean, pick at whatever is left on your bones fights. My brother and I actually get along really well, it's weird. And my grandmother is the sweetest woman on the planet so no problems there. It's just that crazy bitch. She noticed I didn't eat today, and she yelled at me because "Who the hell do I cook for, then?" Lovely set of priorities she has.

Good night, Angels, and what a good night it is,
Charlie

Cue the Hallelujah Chorus

I got my period. I'm not a huge whale, I haven't gained 5 hideous pounds, I'm just bloated. Thank the lord, thank Ana, thank my metabolism for still kicking! I clocked in at 119 this morning. 119! A week ago this was akin to a death sentence but today I'm ready to kiss the scale. It's still only the first day so it will go down more. I have never been this excited about my period before. Well not never but that's a whole different story. ;)

On the downside it means my fast will have to be postponed a day. I can't liquid fast on the first day it destroys me and while generally I suck it up and lie in bed for a week (I'm not kidding when I fast and bleed my body shuts down it's weird.) I can't afford to miss a day of school work! So instead of Sunday night - Weds night I'll be fasting from 8pm tonight to Thursday night. I'm a little pissed off but I'll get over it. Two more weeks then I'm freeeeeeeee.

Thank you all so much for your support, you have no idea what it means to me. You're all so lovely and I truly appreciate every last comment. Sending you all skinny thoughts <3

Don't let school get to you Angels,
Charlie

Still Kicking.

I know I've been a ghost here over the past week or so. I'm in my last few weeks of school so I have about a million things to do and I've been so beyond stressed out. I can't sleep at night and I have these massive waves of anxiety. Every. Single. Night. I know it's awful but I've been taking Advil just to knock me out. I need a good night's sleep! And I mean big extra strengths. Two of them. I promise I'll stop once school is done. I'm not even worried about abusing them, I'm actually terrified they'll put weight on me! Can Advil do that?

On an Ana related note, I've started a three day liquid fast today. 8pm Sunday to 8pm Wednesday. I'm so damned determined to see it through. My life is spinning out of control and it's so nice to at least be able to control a fast, because I've not been very strict this week. I've got excuses but excuses are for fat kids so I'll just say I fucked up. I'm 122lbs so I'm paying for it.

Be good to Ana Angels,
Charlie

Day 6 of the Great 40 Day Fast.

Woke up really sick today. Ate normally because I don't believe in fasting when you're sick. I did really well at my grandmother's yesterday. I ate a bit of salad and some cabbage and said no to ice cream, chicken, cake, and mashed potatoes. Both my Aunt and my cousin said I'd lost weight, which made me so ridiculously happy. So I'm not too stressed about today. I'll fast until Friday night if my fever's gone by tomorrow.

Stay healthy Angels,
Charlie

Crash.

It started with noodles. Just a cup, surely that was fine. Then my mom made cookies and offered me one. Ana screamed.

Absolutely not, you've already fucked up the plan with noodles.


But it was just one cookie. Just one. They smell so good. I take one and scarf it down. This is when I know I'm out of control. When I'm in control I take small bites, I ration, I savour each bite because it's one bite closer to my last. This time I just inhaled. And it was good. It was so damn good.

I hope it was worth it because you are never having another one. 


I was mad at Ana. Angry that she had forced me to lie to my grandmother, who had run to the store to buy ginger ale for a stomach ache I didn't have. I was angry that I hadn't gotten as far in my reading as I needed to me. I was angry that I had so much work to do and only three weeks left of class. I was stressed out and angry and I took it out on Ana.

She is the only one I can be horrible to and she will never turn her back on me.

Oh but she will kick up a fuss. She will yell and scream. She will pick at the fat on my arms and add sound effects to my thunderous steps brought on by thunderous thighs. She will force me to fast longer to make up for hurting her. You do not cross Ana for she is vengeful as she is faithful.

I sat in my room dreaming of these cookies, Ana doing all she can to tie me to my bed. But she couldn't hold me, and I stuffed my face with four more. And it wasn't enough, either. Soon I had made a sandwich piled high with cheese and chicken and hot peppers. And I cut a grapefruit. And I ate it all. Every last bite. My stomach hurt for real this time.

I hope you're happy you horrendous cow. I hope your stomach hurts all night. I hope you can't sleep over it. You deserve it.


I'm sorry, I tell her. I didn't mean to. I couldn't help myself. My dog ate it. Every excuse imaginable.  And then she does something unexpected and incredible. She takes me by the hand, soothes me, tells me everything will be alright. I am grateful for her kindness and willing to follow her wherever she wants to go, I owe her that much. Where she wants to go is the basement bathroom. She turns on the tap and shuts the door.

This is my friend Mia. You'll like her, but not as much as you like me. She'll help us, but first she'll have to hurt you a little.

Hello Mia, my name is Charlie. I don't believe we've met.

Forgive me Angels,
Charlie