If I don't get my period pronto I will lose my fucking mind.
1. I am bloated. We're talking 4lbs in a day. ONE DAY. I went from 112 to 116. What the fucking fuck. This was Saturday by the way, I've pretty much been out of my mind since.
2. I don't particularly fancy having a child at the moment.
3. FOUR POUNDS
4. lbs.
5. Umm I binged today. Badly. And I would like for the reason to be period hormones and not eating for two. I don't want to eat for two, I don't even want to eat for one.
I don't have anything else to say except I'm three day fasting, tomorrow being a fruit fast to get this food out of my body. Babies like fruit, right?
Abstinence Angels,
Charlie
Tuesday 28 June 2011
Thursday 23 June 2011
Weekend Rush.
Well, it's that time again: weekends at the restaurant. I adore working, it's busy, physical, and I can't be eating. Pure bliss. And tomorrow night will be even better because I am finally starting to serve. I hate hostessing with such a burning passion. It is so boring. "Hi how are you?" "Table for two?" "Right this way..." Stand and wait, and wait, and wait. Roll cutlery, repeat. Shoot self in foot and hope to be sent home.
I'm really glad about this new place because everyone here is so nice. The place I used to work at was insane, and it's nice to serve families instead of the Russian mob. I highly recommend serving as a summer job, it's such busy work you are always moving. It's like a workout you get paid to do! At the end of my shift my legs ache and my shoulders are sore, but it feels so good. And then my tummy growls and I go to sleep knowing the morning will bring a loss.
Ahhhhh.
So I've decided to move my three day fasts from Mon-Weds to Fri-Sun. It might seem crazy to try to fast and work but I figure fast + yoga + work = greater loss than fast + yoga alone. I have 4lbs to lose this week, it's beginning to look like I might not make my goal. But I'm not giving up, this week might be a killer but next week I'm up at the cottage with my cousins so I need to push through.
I am so close to 109 I can feel it. I want it so bad.
Stay strong with me Angels,
Charlie
I'm really glad about this new place because everyone here is so nice. The place I used to work at was insane, and it's nice to serve families instead of the Russian mob. I highly recommend serving as a summer job, it's such busy work you are always moving. It's like a workout you get paid to do! At the end of my shift my legs ache and my shoulders are sore, but it feels so good. And then my tummy growls and I go to sleep knowing the morning will bring a loss.
Ahhhhh.
So I've decided to move my three day fasts from Mon-Weds to Fri-Sun. It might seem crazy to try to fast and work but I figure fast + yoga + work = greater loss than fast + yoga alone. I have 4lbs to lose this week, it's beginning to look like I might not make my goal. But I'm not giving up, this week might be a killer but next week I'm up at the cottage with my cousins so I need to push through.
I am so close to 109 I can feel it. I want it so bad.
Stay strong with me Angels,
Charlie
Tuesday 21 June 2011
113 and Cupcake Day
Awwwwwww yeah !
Liquid fast went spectacularly! I've lost 3lbs and I've only got 4 more to lose by July 1. I can do this. I will get to 109. I can fast and work, I can fast and exercise, I can fast in the sun. This is it Angels, this is the summer when I finally do it.
I will be 98lbs by September.
The only thing holding us back is ourselves. Our bodies are stronger than we give them credit for. Personally, my issue is losing that grumble in my tummy. I love that grumble. When I feel it I know I can fast forever. But after a while that grumble goes away, your body stops telling you when it needs food. That's where I'm at now and it sucks. Sometimes eating a few almonds or a peach will kick start the grumble but sometimes it doesn't and that's what usually triggers the binge. I need to stop that habit, I'm so determined right now even though I had a chicken burger for dinner.
Okay so this is how it happened:
I overheard my grandmother telling my mother that I don't eat during the day, which is true. I feel like such an awful person when I realize how much my grandmother worries about me. She sees what my mother is just too far gone to see. I know she can't handle her own issues let alone mine or my brother's and I know I should be sympathetic but I just hate her for giving up. And I hate me for hating her.
Anyways it's my uncle's birthday and he was going to come over and we were going to have hamburgers. I wasn't planning on eating anything, not even some salad but then once again my grandmother shows how much she cares. Sitting beside the burgers was a single chicken burger. Just one.
For me.
Because she knows I like them better than hamburgers.
Because she knows I didn't eat anything but that cupcake today.
Because she just wants me to eat and be happy.
Because she genuinely cares.
So I ate it with some hot sauce and it was incredible but now I feel fat and disgusted with myself for eating. I shouldn't have put it on a bun, I could have just cut it up and dipped it in hot sauce. And then I feel terrible for hating my grandmother for caring so damn much.
I'm fasting tomorrow because I know she won't be home. Maybe I'll start leaving plates with crumbs on the counter so she'll think I made a sandwich. You can shake some out of the bottom of the bag of bread and spread hem on a plate and nobody will know. Except of course for my grandmother who will be suspicious as to why I made a sandwich on sliced bread when she knows how much I love the kaiser buns she buys. At least she can't say anything to my mum because she'll go berserk at her for trying to parent us. In fact, the more she says anything to my mum the longer my mum will refuse to see anything out of pure stubbornness. My god this is fucked up. Whatever, I'm 113 ;)
Stay twisted Angels,
Charlie
Liquid fast went spectacularly! I've lost 3lbs and I've only got 4 more to lose by July 1. I can do this. I will get to 109. I can fast and work, I can fast and exercise, I can fast in the sun. This is it Angels, this is the summer when I finally do it.
I will be 98lbs by September.
The only thing holding us back is ourselves. Our bodies are stronger than we give them credit for. Personally, my issue is losing that grumble in my tummy. I love that grumble. When I feel it I know I can fast forever. But after a while that grumble goes away, your body stops telling you when it needs food. That's where I'm at now and it sucks. Sometimes eating a few almonds or a peach will kick start the grumble but sometimes it doesn't and that's what usually triggers the binge. I need to stop that habit, I'm so determined right now even though I had a chicken burger for dinner.
Okay so this is how it happened:
I overheard my grandmother telling my mother that I don't eat during the day, which is true. I feel like such an awful person when I realize how much my grandmother worries about me. She sees what my mother is just too far gone to see. I know she can't handle her own issues let alone mine or my brother's and I know I should be sympathetic but I just hate her for giving up. And I hate me for hating her.
Anyways it's my uncle's birthday and he was going to come over and we were going to have hamburgers. I wasn't planning on eating anything, not even some salad but then once again my grandmother shows how much she cares. Sitting beside the burgers was a single chicken burger. Just one.
For me.
Because she knows I like them better than hamburgers.
Because she knows I didn't eat anything but that cupcake today.
Because she just wants me to eat and be happy.
Because she genuinely cares.
So I ate it with some hot sauce and it was incredible but now I feel fat and disgusted with myself for eating. I shouldn't have put it on a bun, I could have just cut it up and dipped it in hot sauce. And then I feel terrible for hating my grandmother for caring so damn much.
I'm fasting tomorrow because I know she won't be home. Maybe I'll start leaving plates with crumbs on the counter so she'll think I made a sandwich. You can shake some out of the bottom of the bag of bread and spread hem on a plate and nobody will know. Except of course for my grandmother who will be suspicious as to why I made a sandwich on sliced bread when she knows how much I love the kaiser buns she buys. At least she can't say anything to my mum because she'll go berserk at her for trying to parent us. In fact, the more she says anything to my mum the longer my mum will refuse to see anything out of pure stubbornness. My god this is fucked up. Whatever, I'm 113 ;)
Stay twisted Angels,
Charlie
Tuesday 14 June 2011
Anything else with that?
No thanks, just an unsweetened Black Tea iced tea for me. pleasestopofferingimightsayyes.
So on my hour long walk home from Yoga I pass a Starbucks. Now usually my wallet is too empty to consider even stepping foot inside there but this past week I've made quite a bit in tips and decided to treat myself to a delicious unsweetened iced tea. And there's little to no calories in there if you get it without the syrup by the way. I promise you'll adjust to the bitterness and even grow to like it.
Anyways, there are these cupcakes and normally I don't like cupcakes but these ones look incredible. They're peanut butter chocolate, which again I don't normally care for, but these are different. These are decadent. These shine in the florescent light. These call my name and do card tricks when I'm just trying to order my freaking iced tea. And they're always there with their little 180cal sign next to them. Bastards. Who do you think you are anyways? You're just cupcakes. Nobody liked you enough to make you into a full sized cake. I swear I've been good angels, I've resisted the cocky little shits.
But I want them. I want them so damn bad.
Every once and a while Angels, it's good to indulge. Now I'm not talking binge on 12 of them or anything, but one is no going to kill you. I'm not one to say one thing and do another so I've decided that IF- and only IF- I liquid fast Fri-Sun I can have ONE cupcake on Tuesday after Yoga. And of course nothing else to eat that day because really? Do you need anything else when you've just shoved pure fat and sugar down your throat?
I find that when I hit a rutt, such as the 116lb one I'm in now, a little incentive such as this one often breaks me through. So here's the plan until Tuesday:
Tomorrow: 0cal liquid fast.
Thursday: MAX 500cals. Sandwich + fruit.
Friday: liquid fast
Saturday: liquid fast
Sunday: liquid fast
Monday: Fruit only cleanse
Tuesday: Cupcake day.
Then I'm thinking sub 500 until Friday and another 3 day fast. I'm supposed to be 110 be July 1, dammit! 6lbs in 2 weeks is do-able, right? Fucking right it is. Ana give me strength.
The only possible problem I can foresee is Sunday, when I'll be working 12pm - 10pm. Normally keeping os busy is perfect for fasting, but at my work everyone seems to want to get me to eat. We have this meal plan, which obviously I'm not on, but my manager ALWAYS asks me if I'm hungry, or if I'd like to sit and have a bite, etc etc. I know he's being kind, I'm aware this sort of behaviour is incredible, but it stresses me out. I mean, aside from holidays I work 5 hr shifts.
HOW HUNGRY COULD I POSSIBLY GET IN 5 HRS!?
So Sunday is going to be rough, they'll notice I haven't eaten. I might be able to pass off an upset stomach, I'm just hoping they don't try to send me home. Seriously, these people are way too nice. I kind of miss my old job where I called my manager from the emergency room and he still expected me to come in to work that evening. Where I'd work 12hr shifts and still be told off for taking a meal break. (Well, my co-workers did, I don't do meal breaks ;) ) But I love everyone for looking out for me, I truly do. Wouldn't it be interesting if it's coworkers at a new job that finally alert someone to this whole mess?
The world makes no sense Angels,
Charlie
So on my hour long walk home from Yoga I pass a Starbucks. Now usually my wallet is too empty to consider even stepping foot inside there but this past week I've made quite a bit in tips and decided to treat myself to a delicious unsweetened iced tea. And there's little to no calories in there if you get it without the syrup by the way. I promise you'll adjust to the bitterness and even grow to like it.
Anyways, there are these cupcakes and normally I don't like cupcakes but these ones look incredible. They're peanut butter chocolate, which again I don't normally care for, but these are different. These are decadent. These shine in the florescent light. These call my name and do card tricks when I'm just trying to order my freaking iced tea. And they're always there with their little 180cal sign next to them. Bastards. Who do you think you are anyways? You're just cupcakes. Nobody liked you enough to make you into a full sized cake. I swear I've been good angels, I've resisted the cocky little shits.
But I want them. I want them so damn bad.
Every once and a while Angels, it's good to indulge. Now I'm not talking binge on 12 of them or anything, but one is no going to kill you. I'm not one to say one thing and do another so I've decided that IF- and only IF- I liquid fast Fri-Sun I can have ONE cupcake on Tuesday after Yoga. And of course nothing else to eat that day because really? Do you need anything else when you've just shoved pure fat and sugar down your throat?
I find that when I hit a rutt, such as the 116lb one I'm in now, a little incentive such as this one often breaks me through. So here's the plan until Tuesday:
Tomorrow: 0cal liquid fast.
Thursday: MAX 500cals. Sandwich + fruit.
Friday: liquid fast
Saturday: liquid fast
Sunday: liquid fast
Monday: Fruit only cleanse
Tuesday: Cupcake day.
Then I'm thinking sub 500 until Friday and another 3 day fast. I'm supposed to be 110 be July 1, dammit! 6lbs in 2 weeks is do-able, right? Fucking right it is. Ana give me strength.
The only possible problem I can foresee is Sunday, when I'll be working 12pm - 10pm. Normally keeping os busy is perfect for fasting, but at my work everyone seems to want to get me to eat. We have this meal plan, which obviously I'm not on, but my manager ALWAYS asks me if I'm hungry, or if I'd like to sit and have a bite, etc etc. I know he's being kind, I'm aware this sort of behaviour is incredible, but it stresses me out. I mean, aside from holidays I work 5 hr shifts.
HOW HUNGRY COULD I POSSIBLY GET IN 5 HRS!?
So Sunday is going to be rough, they'll notice I haven't eaten. I might be able to pass off an upset stomach, I'm just hoping they don't try to send me home. Seriously, these people are way too nice. I kind of miss my old job where I called my manager from the emergency room and he still expected me to come in to work that evening. Where I'd work 12hr shifts and still be told off for taking a meal break. (Well, my co-workers did, I don't do meal breaks ;) ) But I love everyone for looking out for me, I truly do. Wouldn't it be interesting if it's coworkers at a new job that finally alert someone to this whole mess?
The world makes no sense Angels,
Charlie
Saturday 11 June 2011
Dear Mother,
The reason I tend to "freak out" and "obsess over" situations like this are because I have severe anxiety issues. So severe is my anxiety that the only way I can control it is by fasting and extreme restricting. Some people like to call this Anorexia, but our family is perfect and such things could not be possible.
It does truly bother me that instead of recognizing that your daughter has had these issues for over 8 years now, you continue to yell at me for it and make me feel worse than I already do when I spiral out of control. I will be the first to admit that I've overreacted over the past two days, I know that I could have handled the situation a lot better than I did. But here's the thing, I can't control this sometimes. When you come between me and my eating/fitness routine I have the potential to snap and drive myself crazy over it. Yelling at me has never stopped this from happening so perhaps it's time for a different approach?
Oh yeah, I haven't eaten today and you've been in the kitchen the whole time and haven't said boo to me. Times like these I feel truly loved.
Anyways on a note that isn't my wench of a mother, I have my period. The bloat has ballooned me to 117, and the stress of having to miss Yoga this morning has not helped me in any way. At least I have work tonight where I'm on my feet all night. I think I'll even jiggle my legs at the hostess stand to burn a few extra calories. Couldn't hurt, right?
It does truly bother me that instead of recognizing that your daughter has had these issues for over 8 years now, you continue to yell at me for it and make me feel worse than I already do when I spiral out of control. I will be the first to admit that I've overreacted over the past two days, I know that I could have handled the situation a lot better than I did. But here's the thing, I can't control this sometimes. When you come between me and my eating/fitness routine I have the potential to snap and drive myself crazy over it. Yelling at me has never stopped this from happening so perhaps it's time for a different approach?
Oh yeah, I haven't eaten today and you've been in the kitchen the whole time and haven't said boo to me. Times like these I feel truly loved.
Anyways on a note that isn't my wench of a mother, I have my period. The bloat has ballooned me to 117, and the stress of having to miss Yoga this morning has not helped me in any way. At least I have work tonight where I'm on my feet all night. I think I'll even jiggle my legs at the hostess stand to burn a few extra calories. Couldn't hurt, right?
When the hell did this train stop in Crazytown?
So I'm at work, minding my own business, you know making money and contributing to society. Oh by the way I got a job at a Greek restaurant and I love it. Anyways while I'm working my ass off so I can finally stop hostessing and start serving my dumbass brother is stealing my backpack so he can go smoke weed with his low life friends. In this backpack are my birth control pills, (umm, need those.) my sunscreen, and my Yoga pass.
Let me explain this Yoga pass to you. First off it costs 90$ a month. No joke. But it's worth it because it gives me unlimited access to Yoga classes, which run several times a day in different styles. I love this pass, I breathe this pass. This pass is the very reason I have to look forward to the morning because the classes at this studio are incredible.
Obviously I was pissed off when I got home and found it missing. I called the stupid little brat yelling at him and he got mad at me for having the audacity to find this sort of behaviour unacceptable. Whatever. He promises the bag will be here in the morning but obviously when my Yoga pass is missing I can't sleep. Anxiety over the sheer possibility of missing my 10am Hot Yoga class is enough to make me jog in place for nearly an hour because I had two slices of pizza tonight and if I can't get to this class that will turn to cellulite and weight gain. Not on my watch, pizza.
The hours tick by. 3am, 3:30, 4am etc, until it's 5 fucking 30 and the stupid little shit walks through the front door. Immediately I demand my backpack from him. And guess what, he left it at his friend's house.
SURPRISE. You wonder why I never lend you my buss pass.
Of course now I'm not just angry, Ana's angry too. And speaking as the usual sole recipient of said Ana-rage I know it's not pretty. My mum hears me screaming at him and wakes up and rushes into the room.
And yells at me.
Alright given I shouldn't be screaming at 5:30 in the morning but come on, the stupid fuck left my Yoga pass at some dickwad's house. She got mad at him for coming home at 5:30 but has no plans on waking his ass up at 8am and forcing his burnt out little body to go retrieve my stuff. She tells me "it's just one class" and storms out.
This is fucking ridiculous. The poor little baby steals my shit, leaves it at his friends, gets high, crashes in at 5:30 and heaven forbid he should have to wake up tired and fix the situation. GOOD PARENTING. This is how to teach your child responsibility for those of you who weren't sure. This right here. "Do whatever the fuck you want, I don't care. Show blatant disregard for other's belongings and have a good rest, you deserve it."
Needless to say, I will not be eating today.
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