Trigger me.

One week with my cousin is all it takes to ruin four solid months of thinking and feeling healthy. Look out Ana, I'm coming home.

I'm starting a new blog. This one reeks of failure a la fattitude. I'll link you Angels.

Morality is Overrated.

I've been absent for a few months now because I've been struggling with the ethics behind this blog. I felt as though I might be glamourizing EDs and encouraging others to try crash diets, so I'll use this post to clear anything up.

1. Crash Diets are dangerous.
Yes, fasting for 3 days is a quick way to drop a few pounds, but they're also incredibly bad for you. Especially when you yo-yo between fasting and eating normally. You can do serious damage to your kidneys and digestive system. It may seem hypocritical for me to discourage them, but let me explain in my next point.

2. Eating Disorders are not a conscious choice nor are they a way of life.
You can not develop them by reading my blog, I in no way want to give the impression that I'd like you to develop one. Please, please, if you're trying to lose weight do it PROPERLY. However, there will be those of you who start healthy and then spiral into the craziness of Ana. There are those who think that Ana is a lifestyle, but those people are delusional. It's a mental disease, and one with a high mortality rate. You will not develop anorexia because you want to or because you think it's the best way to lose weight, eating disorders are much more complex than that. Mine stems from an anxiety disorder and poor coping mechanisms.

3. The purpose of this blog is to both give me an outlet to express what I can't in real life as well as to give a realistic view into what an ED is really like.
There will be times I post as if I adore this disease, because in truth there are times when I do.  I am not trying to glamourize them, but I will not lie about the way I feel. I LOVE the feeling at the end of a fast, but I also spiral into extreme depression when I fail one. You'll likely see more of the feel good posts but rest assured they are short lived. You're never thin enough, you've never fasted enough. That pickle you ate was too much, you shouldn't be drinking cranberry juice, why did you put sugar in your tea. Those are the thoughts attached to every single one of my "successes". Today I've eaten nothing but half a pickle and I'm ashamed at myself for even that small amount.

With all that being said I do think I'll be returning to this blog. I need a place where I can post candidly about Ana, without fear of repercussions. That's what this is to me. If it in any way helps you cope with your ED, or even if it just gives you a quick laugh between classes then that's wonderful as well. Avoid it if you find it triggering, but also use it when you think you're alone out there in your struggle. My email is always open to my Angels, so if there's something you need help with, or even something you'd like to vent about but are not comfortable posting publicly about, drop me an email.

Anyways, for those wondering I'm still at 112lbs, which is a fucking miracle considering I've been eating disgustingly this first month of school. Over now, back to fasting. 102 is not that far off :)

Oh and I'm also quite vulgar ;)
Charlie

Thin Mutt.

Wreaking havoc as usual. Just leave him be, he doesn't care. No one does. You're my girl now, we're all we have left in this world. I will never question nor wander from Ana's path again. I am hers. I will do whatever she asks. I will be strong. I will be thin. The only way out is up.

Ambitions.

I want a 0 calorie day. A day where I don't intake anything but water, sweet zero calorie water. That day will be today. I can last until work, and I can pass out after work. I avoided a binge last night, which I'm very proud of but my scale says 112, which doesn't make sense. How can my weight fluctuate so dramatically when I know I'm not eating 2lbs worth of food AND I exercise like a fiend? It seriously stresses me out.


Anyways, so today is just water. I can do this, I know I can. I'm stronger than I've been as of late, I know this. I can resist food, I can. It's just food, right?

Oh and @Sam: To answer your question, I'm 5'1". So I'm really not thin at all. But I'm getting there, one way or another.

Tuesday night is Tequila and Taco night with a good friend of mine. The tacos will be super healthy, filled with lean chicken and kale and all sorts of delicious things. The Tequila..... well, it will be Tequila. But I'm not too worried because I don't plan on eating anything until those Tacos. I can do this, I can earn those tacos.

Stay strong Angels,
Charlie

110.

Surprisingly I owe this to my mother for yelling at me yesterday. I was going to cave and have a bit of the chicken wings and fries she made after work but she yelled at me on the way home and I ended up doing 100 crunches and 25 leg lifts instead. Thanks mum ;)

Anyways I'm fasting today as well because I MUST get to 109. Must. I'm so close. I have a hot Yoga class today which I'll get through on vitamin water and gatorade. Those two are the perfect combination for those of us who want to fast, but don't want to pass out and end up in the ER for the god knows how many time this summer. When I wake up I drink my routine cup of coffee, then the vitamin water (today is Multi-V to make up for the vitamins I've not been getting through food) and I drink the gatorade after my Yoga class. Perfect. Of course I drink loads of water on top of those, that's key too.

I'm so excited to finally be back in the 10x's again! Ugh I was so heavy last year it disgusts me. 120? Wow. Way to let yourself go there, Charlie. So I hereby vow, in front of all my Angels, to never let myself balloon up there again. I'm going to be thin from here on out, never will I give in to food like that. I'm going to fast and restrict myself down to 102, maybe lower who knows. But at 102 I'll have officially lost 15% of my body fat. Great, no? Only 8lbs to go !

Motivation and skinny thoughts for all my Angels,
Charlie

Empty Empty Empty.

I am oh so empty <3

I have eaten nothing today, I will eat nothing tomorrow. Yoga will get progressively harder but do increasingly more to help me lose. These are the needed lbs now, not extra here or there. To break 110 will be to finally turn my body from a strong dancers body to a thin girl. A thin girl who has trouble getting through a yoga sequence and feels like a weak piece of shit but refuses to do what's necessary to be strong. A thin girl who knows nothing but being thin. Some sort of thin mutation, a thin little mutt.

Thin mutts never forget how much they hate their mothers, unlike their healthy counterparts who succumb to their brief spats of kindness. Thin mutts remember when she picked you up from work drunk and thin mutts punish her for it. Thin mutts do not give in to food cravings, they suck back the salt water flush and watch as anything that once was intake is gone gone gone. Thin mutts are never thin enough. I am a thin mutt, and I'm glad to be back.

Do I wish I was thinner going back to school? Of course. But I'm not. I'm 112lbs, and were I anything but a Thin Mutt I'd realize how good I look. But I'm not, so that's irrelevant. I don't want to look good and healthy, I want to look THIN. The thin that people whisper about behind your back, commenting to their friends that you're "too skinny" but secretly wishing they could look like you too. But not everyone can commit to the Thin Mutt way, some are too happy and too healthy.

And others.... well you know about them better than anyone, Angels.
Charlie

He cares.

Remember that, Charlie.

Cabbage Soup for Two.

I've forgotten to mention something very important to you guys: I've met a fellow Ana at work! At first we both seemed normal to each other, but slowly the more we talked it just came out. We're dieting, crazy, food obsessed Anas. We literally discuss our diet and food plans and goals our entire shift. So much fun!

It's also really nice to finally have someone who knows what this is like. Now I know I have all of you, and believe me when I say that all of your comments help and mean so much to me. But it's nice to be able to talk to someone face to face and know that I'm not the only one who loses control like this.

So together we're doing a 7 day Cabbage Soup Diet. I'm making it with my mum this evening and I'll be sure to post the recipe for you guys but it's basically going to be vegetarian, low-cal, low-sodium, and super healthy. My mum once told me that it's good to eat nothing but boiled cabbage for a few days once a year, that her doctor recommended it once as a good detox for all the horrible things the average person puts in their body. So why not try it out? I think nothing but cabbage soup for a week should result in a loss.

I'll keep you posted Angels,
Charlie

That Empty Feeling.

That growl in your belly. That light headed feeling. Oh how I've missed you.

I'm over the moon ecstatic, Angels. Sunday night I was 117lbs, and panicked beyond belief. This morning, after a three day fast which ended with a 350cal ice cream I weighed in at 114.

!!

3lbs gone, just like that. I'm still 3lbs heavier than I was pre-July bingefest, but I'm dropping the weight quickly. I'm even developing a thigh gap. I know 100% now that I am back on track, and so determined to reach my goal weight. First 109, then 102, and then.... well I tell myself I'm going to stop at 102 but I know that once i get there I'll want 98 and then we'll really find out how deep the rabbit hole goes.

Today I'm fasting, nothing but water and perhaps a Diet Coke at work if I start to get a little dizzy. Tomorrow will be 250cal spicy crab roll and an 80 cal spicy miso soup for a total of 330cal. My Hot Yoga class and the jog home will leave me with a deficit intake and hopefully another loss. Saturday is sub 500cals again (I think this whole month needs to be sub 500 no matter what) and Sun - Tues is a 3 day fast again. This is my last month before school and I am determined to make it count.

Sending skinnies to all my Angels,
Charlie

In case any of you were wondering... eating nothing for two days and then having a Smartie's Mini-Blizzard (@300 cals btw) is a bad idea. Oh man do I feel sick.

Oh There you are, Willpower.

Just popping in - yes, drunk - to let my lovely Angels know that I've done it. I'm back on track. Tonight we went out drinking and I actually said NO to McDonald's. Which is fucking hard because I have an odd addiction to their Mac Sauce. I could eat it with a spoon. But not tonight. Living on a banana and some Tequila; a good day in any books :)

Skinny girls don't buy their own drinks Angles,
Charlie

Oh Angels Angels Angels.

I've been neglecting you because I'm ashamed. I can't get my eating under check. I'm trying. If anything August is a new month and with new months comes new motivation. I want to be worthy of your comments and support, right now I'm just a fat cow who can't stop.

But it ends right now. I put myself a bowl of cheerios to munch on and I'm not going to eat them. Tomorrow I will do my best to keep it under 700. That's still a high number for me but I guess baby steps. August 1 marks a 3 day fast and the start of the 10 Day Challenge. I just have to ease into it and hope that I can lose what I've gained back in record time. Once school starts fasting will be so simple, but for now I have to work on my discipline.

I can do this. WE can do this. It will all be worth it in the end.

I miss all my Angels,
Charlie

We Have to Stop Meeting Like This....

Aha so, sorry for disappearing AGAIN. Here's the catch up as quick as I can:

First off, was barred from signing up for my second year courses because my transfer credits from Theatre School have STILL not been entered into the system and I now have too few credits to be second year. Despite the fact that i sent them not one, not two, but THREE transcripts last summer. Three. Fucking. Transcripts. The third one I physically handed to the admissions woman so there is no excuse. I've now handed in a fourth one and... still nothing. It's not the end of the world taking a general one or two course year in fact it actually might be best for me to try and get my anxiety disorder in check but I do not want to spend an extra year in school mother fuckers.

Anxiety level: High

Next thing I know I am two weeks late. Possibly preggers. Oh my god what do I do? Potential baby daddy's consist of this cute British guy who left for a month long expedition (Welcome home, let's have a child together) and some rando at a bar.

Anxiety level: Intense

So I get my period and life is good. British boy comes home and we're hanging out. Things are looking good finally. But there's that school thing. I can't handle uncertainty like this. I am freaking out. And when I freak out I lose control of my fasting and restricting. I binge. And binge. And binge. Chicken burgers with hot sauce become my reason to exist, but also my nemesis. They balloon me back up to 117lbs.

Anxiety level: Somebody kill me I can't handle life.

But all of that is cool now. Yoga is my savior and work is my safe heaven. Can't eat there! I've been fasting the weekend away and will continue until I go out for dinner with British Boy tomorrow night. Back to 115 which is better, but when I think of how close I was to 109 a month ago it makes me sick. So I've got two back to back Hot Yoga classes to look forward to tonight and afterwards I'll be so tired I can collapse in bed and live off water and air.

Can I lose 6lbs by August? Of course I can, anything is possible if you watch enough infomercials!

Let's get it together and fast until we see bones Angels,
Charlie xoxo

Speaking of Babies....

If I don't get my period pronto I will lose my fucking mind.

1. I am bloated. We're talking 4lbs in a day. ONE DAY. I went from 112 to 116. What the fucking fuck. This was Saturday by the way, I've pretty much been out of my mind since.
2. I don't particularly fancy having a child at the moment.
3. FOUR POUNDS
4. lbs.
5. Umm I binged today. Badly. And I would like for the reason to be period hormones and not eating for two. I don't want to eat for two, I don't even want to eat for one.

I don't have anything else to say except I'm three day fasting, tomorrow being a fruit fast to get this food out of my body. Babies like fruit, right?

Abstinence Angels,
Charlie

Weekend Rush.

Well, it's that time again: weekends at the restaurant. I adore working, it's busy, physical, and I can't be eating. Pure bliss. And tomorrow night will be even better because I am finally starting to serve. I hate hostessing with such a burning passion. It is so boring. "Hi how are you?" "Table for two?" "Right this way..." Stand and wait, and wait, and wait. Roll cutlery, repeat.  Shoot self in foot and hope to be sent home.

I'm really glad about this new place because everyone here is so nice. The place I used to work at was insane, and it's nice to serve families instead of the Russian mob. I highly recommend serving as a summer job, it's such busy work you are always moving. It's like a workout you get paid to do! At the end of my shift my legs ache and my shoulders are sore, but it feels so good. And then my tummy growls and I go to sleep knowing the morning will bring a loss.

Ahhhhh.

So I've decided to move my three day fasts from Mon-Weds to Fri-Sun. It might seem crazy to try to fast and work but I figure fast + yoga + work = greater loss than fast + yoga alone. I have 4lbs to lose this week, it's beginning to look like I might not make my goal. But I'm not giving up, this week might be a killer but next week I'm up at the cottage with my cousins so I need to push through.

I am so close to 109 I can feel it. I want it so bad.

Stay strong with me Angels,
Charlie

113 and Cupcake Day

Awwwwwww yeah !

Liquid fast went spectacularly! I've lost 3lbs and I've only got 4 more to lose by July 1. I can do this. I will get to 109. I can fast and work, I can fast and exercise, I can fast in the sun. This is it Angels, this is the summer when I finally do it.

I will be 98lbs by September.

The only thing holding us back is ourselves. Our bodies are stronger than we give them credit for. Personally, my issue is losing that grumble in my tummy. I love that grumble. When I feel it I know I can fast forever. But after a while that grumble goes away, your body stops telling you when it needs food. That's where I'm at now and it sucks. Sometimes eating a few almonds or a peach will kick start the grumble but sometimes it doesn't and that's what usually triggers the binge. I need to stop that habit, I'm so determined right now even though I had a chicken burger for dinner.

Okay so this is how it happened:

I overheard my grandmother telling my mother that I don't eat during the day, which is true. I feel like such an awful person when I realize how much my grandmother worries about me. She sees what my mother is just too far gone to see. I know she can't handle her own issues let alone mine or my brother's and I know I should be sympathetic but I just hate her for giving up. And I hate me for hating her.

Anyways it's my uncle's birthday and he was going to come over and we were going to have hamburgers. I wasn't planning on eating anything, not even some salad but then once again my grandmother shows how much she cares. Sitting beside the burgers was a single chicken burger. Just one.

For me.
Because she knows I like them better than hamburgers.
Because she knows I didn't eat anything but that cupcake today.
Because she just wants me to eat and be happy.
Because she genuinely cares.

So I ate it with some hot sauce and it was incredible but now I feel fat and disgusted with myself for eating. I shouldn't have put it on a bun, I could have just cut it up and dipped it in hot sauce. And then I feel terrible for hating my grandmother for caring so damn much.

I'm fasting tomorrow because I know she won't be home. Maybe I'll start leaving plates with crumbs on the counter so she'll think I made a sandwich. You can shake some out of the bottom of the bag of bread and spread hem on a plate and nobody will know. Except of course for my grandmother who will be suspicious as to why I made a sandwich on sliced bread when she knows how much I love the kaiser buns she buys. At least she can't say anything to my mum because she'll go berserk at her for trying to parent us. In fact, the more she says anything to my mum the longer my mum will refuse to see anything out of pure stubbornness. My god this is fucked up. Whatever, I'm 113 ;)

Stay twisted Angels,
Charlie

Anything else with that?

No thanks, just an unsweetened Black Tea iced tea for me. pleasestopofferingimightsayyes.

So on my hour long walk home from Yoga I pass a Starbucks. Now usually my wallet is too empty to consider even stepping foot inside there but this past week I've made quite a bit in tips and decided to treat myself to a delicious unsweetened iced tea. And there's little to no calories in there if you get it without the syrup by the way. I promise you'll adjust to the bitterness and even grow to like it.

Anyways, there are these cupcakes and normally I don't like cupcakes but these ones look incredible. They're peanut butter chocolate, which again I don't normally care for, but these are different. These are decadent. These shine in the florescent light. These call my name and do card tricks when I'm just trying to order my freaking iced tea. And they're always there with their little 180cal sign next to them. Bastards. Who do you think you are anyways? You're just cupcakes. Nobody liked you enough to make you into a full sized cake. I swear I've been good angels, I've resisted the cocky little shits.

But I want them. I want them so damn bad.

Every once and a while Angels, it's good to indulge. Now I'm not talking binge on 12 of them or anything, but one is no going to kill you. I'm not one to say one thing and do another so I've decided that IF- and only IF- I liquid fast Fri-Sun  I can have ONE cupcake on Tuesday after Yoga. And of course nothing else to eat that day because really? Do you need anything else when you've just shoved pure fat and sugar down your throat?

I find that when I hit a rutt, such as the 116lb one I'm in now, a little incentive such as this one often breaks me through. So here's the plan until Tuesday:

Tomorrow: 0cal liquid fast.
Thursday: MAX 500cals. Sandwich + fruit.
Friday: liquid fast
Saturday: liquid fast
Sunday: liquid fast
Monday: Fruit only cleanse
Tuesday: Cupcake day.

Then I'm thinking sub 500 until Friday and another 3 day fast. I'm  supposed to be 110 be July 1, dammit! 6lbs in 2 weeks is do-able, right? Fucking right it is. Ana give me strength.

The only possible problem I can foresee is Sunday, when I'll be working 12pm - 10pm. Normally keeping os busy is perfect for fasting, but at my work everyone seems to want to get me to eat. We have this meal plan, which obviously I'm not on, but my manager ALWAYS asks me if I'm hungry, or if I'd like to sit and have a bite, etc etc. I know he's being kind, I'm aware this sort of behaviour is incredible, but it stresses me out. I mean, aside from holidays I work 5 hr shifts.

HOW HUNGRY COULD I POSSIBLY GET IN 5 HRS!?

So Sunday is going to be rough, they'll notice I haven't eaten. I might be able to pass off an upset stomach, I'm just hoping they don't try to send me home. Seriously, these people are way too nice. I kind of miss my old job where I called my manager from the emergency room and he still expected me to come in to work that evening. Where I'd work 12hr shifts and still be told off for taking a meal break. (Well, my co-workers did, I don't do meal breaks ;) ) But I love everyone for looking out for me, I truly do.  Wouldn't it be interesting if it's coworkers at a new job that finally alert someone to this whole mess?

The world makes no sense Angels,
Charlie

Dear Mother,

 The reason I tend to "freak out" and "obsess over" situations like this are because I have severe anxiety issues. So severe is my anxiety that the only way I can control it is by fasting and extreme restricting. Some people like to call this Anorexia, but our family is perfect and such things could not be possible.

 It does truly bother me that instead of recognizing that your daughter has had these issues for over 8 years now, you continue to yell at me for it and make me feel worse than I already do when I spiral out of control. I will be the first to admit that I've overreacted over the past two days, I know that I could have handled the situation a lot better than I did. But here's the thing, I can't control this sometimes. When you come between me and my eating/fitness routine I have the potential to snap and drive myself crazy over it. Yelling at me has never stopped this from happening so perhaps it's time for a different approach?

Oh yeah, I haven't eaten today and you've been in the kitchen the whole time and haven't said boo to me. Times like these I feel truly loved.


Anyways on a note that isn't my wench of a mother, I have my period. The bloat has ballooned me to 117, and the stress of having to miss Yoga this morning has not helped me in any way. At least I have work tonight where I'm on my feet all night. I think I'll even jiggle my legs at the hostess stand to burn a few extra calories. Couldn't hurt, right?

When the hell did this train stop in Crazytown?

So I'm at work, minding my own business, you know making money and contributing to society. Oh by the way I got a job at a Greek restaurant and I love it. Anyways while I'm working my ass off so I can finally stop hostessing and start serving my dumbass brother is stealing my backpack so he can go smoke weed with his low life friends. In this backpack are my birth control pills, (umm, need those.) my sunscreen, and my Yoga pass.

Let me explain this Yoga pass to you. First off it costs 90$ a month. No joke. But it's worth it because it gives me unlimited access to Yoga classes, which run several times a day in different styles. I love this pass, I breathe this pass. This pass is the very reason I have to look forward to the morning because the classes at this studio are incredible. 

Obviously I was pissed off when I got home and found it missing. I called the stupid little brat yelling at him and he got mad at me for having the audacity to find this sort of behaviour unacceptable. Whatever. He promises the bag will be here in the morning but obviously when my Yoga pass is missing I can't sleep. Anxiety over the sheer possibility of missing my 10am Hot Yoga class is enough to make me jog in place for nearly an hour because I had two slices of pizza tonight and if I can't get to this class that will turn to cellulite and weight gain. Not on my watch, pizza.

The hours tick by. 3am, 3:30, 4am etc, until it's 5 fucking 30 and the stupid little shit walks through the front door. Immediately I demand my backpack from him. And guess what, he left it at his friend's house.

SURPRISE. You wonder why I never lend you my buss pass.

Of course now I'm not just angry, Ana's angry too. And speaking as the usual sole recipient of said Ana-rage I know it's not pretty. My mum hears me screaming at him and wakes up and rushes into the room.

And yells at me.

Alright given I shouldn't be screaming at 5:30 in the morning but come on, the stupid fuck left my Yoga pass at some dickwad's house. She got mad at him for coming home at 5:30 but has no plans on waking his ass up at 8am and forcing his burnt out little body to go retrieve my stuff. She tells me "it's just one class" and storms out.

This is fucking ridiculous. The poor little baby steals my shit, leaves it at his friends, gets high, crashes in at 5:30 and heaven forbid he should have to wake up tired and fix the situation. GOOD PARENTING. This is how to teach your child responsibility for those of you who weren't sure. This right here. "Do whatever the fuck you want, I don't care. Show blatant disregard for other's belongings and have a good rest, you deserve it."

Needless to say, I will not be eating today.

Someone needs to tape my mouth shut.

It's not that I'm eating a lot, I'm restricting quite well. My original idea was to restrict all this week and see what happens, maybe even try and throw my body off but it's not working. 117. 117. 117. It's huge, like my thighs. I need to stop eating, I need to fast. Why has fasting suddenly become impossible? I don't know what to do, I feel like I'm losing control and I'm getting fat. Fat fat fat fat fat. Ew. I hate everything in the mirror; my huge thighs are the latest target of my hatred. They're so hideous and covered in cellulite, which my friend says are stretch marks but my mom says is cellulite. Guess who I believe.

Cut the self-indulgent bullshit, nobody cares.


Have I mentioned Ana won't shut up? She's seriously pissed off at my weakness. Fair enough, I've not been good to her. I'm sorry Ana.

Anyways, I'm watching 16 and Pregnant which ironically is now focusing on an anorexic pregnant girl. It's got me thinking; if I found out I was pregnant tomorrow would I stop restricting and fasting for the baby? Would I even be able to? Would I see a pregnant stomach or a fat one? These sorts of questions are easy for most people, but then again most people don't have Ana picking the fat off your bones.

I feel for this girl.

"If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder, blah blah blah"

Struggling is most definitely the word. You haven't fasted in weeks. You don't have an eating disorder, you're too fat. You probably just want some attention. You're pathetic.


I'm sorry, I'm trying, my dog ate it.

I hope your days are going better Angels,
Charlie

P.S. I want to take this time to shout out to Ariana, whose comments always cheer me up. Just want you to know how much your support means to me, sending you extra skinnies because if anyone deserves it, it's you.

Failure.

I ate two slices of pizza. Big slices. Huge disgusting, fatty slices. Ugh. I am a failure. I deserve every fucking lb I gain. I'll probably be 120 again tomorrow. And I deserve it.

Remind me again why I'm not throwing myself into traffic as we speak?

Panic.

I am 118. HOW. How is this even possible? I was 114 yesterday and all I had to eat was leek and fennel soup. I'm not nearing my period, there is no logical explanation. How the fuck is this happening right now? What did I do wrong? Ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh.

I've already done a salt water flush as an emergency measure because I'm seriously freaking out. I don't understand what happened here. I want to crawl into a hole. I'm not eating today or tomorrow. Not a fucking bite. How can I think of eating when 4 random pounds just jumped back on? Ugh I'm such a huge fat cow.

I've already done my run for the day, time for an arm workout. Then an ab workout and some squats and who knows what else I can squeeze in. This can't be happening. All my hard work.

What could be causing this? Can you just bloat randomly? I did take two advil yesterday and I remember someone telling me that can bloat me.... Maybe that's what's happening? This can't be real. This can't be permanent.

Please, please, please go away. Go away and I'll be so good about fasting. I'll restrict like a champion. I'll do anything just please make these 4 lbs go away.

The Plateau is my Bitch.

I broke my plateau. It's lying on the floor clutching its face and crying. Sorry plateau, not in my house.

114. I feel so wonderful right now. But of course I'd feel better at 110 and I did eat a chicken burger tonight so let's fast until Sunday. Because I can. Because nobody notices. They'll probably clue in when my hipbones stat jutting out again and my legs aren't quite so gargantuan. But by then it will be too late. Sorry guys, missed the train I am skinny. Ha.

So aside from my triumph I went for a run this morning and ended up locked out of my house for two hours. And it rained. And I couldn't get into the garage because I don't know the new code. Fun times. I'm sick now. My mum said she's worried about me always getting sick, she wonders why. Here's a clue:

I DON'T EAT.


Mystery fucking solved, Nancy Drew. She also thinks I'm addicted to pain meds. I swear this woman is ten miles south of crazy. I take one advil today and she's up my ass, I skip food for three days straight and nothing. "Be careful with those." Are you kidding me right now? How about "Hey I've noticed that there's never a dinner plate from you on the counter." or "So that Miso Soup you made last week still hasn't been eaten." When shit hits the fan, and it will, I guarantee you she will claim there were no warning signs. Because she's dumb as a stump.

Oh wait, not really because she's caught onto my supposed pain killer addiction.

Suck a lemon for me, kay?

Are we having fun yet?

There are some days when I hate Ana. The days when every bone and joint in my body aches. The days when the stabbing pain in my stomach won't recede, when my throat scratches and my ears hurt. On these days I run a low grade fever, not enough to be considered sick, but enough to keep me miserable.

Your mother stops caring by the way. Well maybe not all mothers, but mine sure did. She tells you you're always sick, she thinks you're faking it for attention. But she says nothing when you refuse dinner. Not a damn word.

A 'healthy' person wouldn't understand. They'd ask why I don't just stop then. They think it's a conscious decision. It's not. There's no off switch. There is at the beginning, so let this be my one morally obligatory warning: this is not fun. Okay sometimes it is, and you do get a buzz when you watch the scale drop. But there's another side to it, and it fucking sucks. This is the side that sticks the finger down your throat when you binge; which never gets easy by the way. This side can force you to exercise all night on an unexpected high calorie day, or keep you in bed sobbing because of what a failure you are.

Are we having fun yet?

I'm going out shopping with one of my best friends and here is my dilemma:
1. My body fucking aches.
2. We're going out later than expected.
3. She might want to go for dinner.
Panic. It will be somewhere cheap. It will probably be calorie riddled. Kill me now.
And finally:
4. Her sister has battled anorexia for years and I am a fucking bitch to make her watch her friend do it too. Given, she doesn't know about me yet because I've become the master at hiding it. Eight years without being caught, have I mentioned that? What a horrible person I am.

If I eat we know this means I have a grueling four day fast ahead. Thursday to Sunday night. One meal, then Monday to Wednesday night another liquid fast.

This is what happens when you plateau.

Are we having fun yet?
Yes, yes we are, aren't we Angels?

Coupon me Insane.

So I'm watching this extreme couponing show which is basically about people who coupon to such an extreme that they but like 100 of each item because of how cheap they can get it. The broke part of me thinks it's genius, this one girl saved 10,000$ last year. Yeah I freaked too. But then there's Ana, and she's utterly appalled.

Who the fuck eats that much frozen food? No wonder she's fat. You know better than to ever touch a Hot Pocket, right? You can't tell me you're that stupid.


They had carts of frozen foods. CARTS. Because obviously fresh produce never goes on sale let alone warrants a coupon. So what do these people eat? Frozen foods, canned foods, boxed foods, non-perishable grade school food drive food. Alright one woman got 100 packs of coffee for free, that was bad ass I'll admit. But how can you eat that stuff? I had to turn off the TV when they started showing their stacks upon stacks of food.

Look at all that salt. All that sugar. All that fat. Look at it go to their thighs. To your thighs. Do those cookies look good? Get a grip.


Yeah... no amount of savings is worth that. I think I've gained weight just watching this show. No wait, if I've gained weight (I'm terrified to check) it's because I've been eating for the past two days.

You are such a fat little whore.


Tell me something I don't know.

Stuck.

116.

116.

1 fucking 16.

Drop. Please drop. Why won't you drop? Was it the hot dog I ate? The arm workout I skipped? Maybe I'm just destined to be fat forever.

No. Absolutely not.

I found an amazing recipe for Miso Soup. It's soooo good and each bowl has about... 4 calories. I think I may live off of it forever. I add in chili sauce to make it spicy and it's literally the greatest thing ever. I think I may have some tomorrow night, because today I'm fasting.

It's gotten to the point where I feel as if I eat anything, a piece of cheese, a crouton, a pickle; I will not lose. I know that this can't be true but what other option is there for my plateau? Plateaus require extra work to break and break it I intend to do. After my bowl of soup I'm fasting for 3 days again. I know I sound like a broken record but if I write it out here it's final, it has to be done. It's time to push through and get to 110, by any means necessary.

Here's to breaking plateaus Angels,
Charlie

We were strangers.

Last night I caught up with a friend I haven't talked to in ages. He was someone I sort of had a thing with and the last few years between us have been rocky. Mostly because I let Ana distort who he is. I think things are patching up though. I think we can be friends. I hope we can.

I will never let Ana near him again.

We aren't speaking today. Not a single word out of her. I'm still fasting, I'm a little dizzy but I've kind of grown to like this feeling. But I haven't weighed myself. I know she's inside growling away, tearing herself up because she can't know how much we weigh. Well suck it up for now, I hate you for how you make me see him. And it's not going to work anymore. You can tear me up and call me all sorts of horrible things but you leave him be.

Oh god I am going to pay miserably for my insolence.

Another day, another fast.

I almost broke today. There was this onion bun on the counter and I could smell it. I wanted it so bad. With some turkey breast, hot peppers, and honey mustard; holy mother of god it was going to be incredible. I had just finished a run and I'm going to be drinking tonight so I figured... what's one onion bun sandwich-stravaganza? The deal was done, the fridge was open, my head was inside poking for fixins. I had just cut the bun in half when she finally jumped in.

Stop right there you fat little fuck.


Shit. Busted.

Are you out of your chubby mind? We are at 117. We are doing good. Why are you ruining this?


I am starving and I have to drink tonight. I don't want to get sick.

Don't be stupid. The more you have in your stomach, the more you have to drink. You put that sandwich in your mouth and you have to intake even more tonight. Fast and you save calories twice. 


Dammit, she's right. She's always right. I put the two halves of the bun back in it's bag and poured a glass of water instead. Now I can drink less, get the same buzz, and save even more calories. And I won't feel full in jeans. But I was still kind of pissed at her for stopping what would have been a delicious lunch so I grabbed a teaspoon of peanut butter. So there.

You are such a passive aggressive bitch.


My brother made a meatball sandwich out of the glorious onion bun.

Mid-week, mid-weight.

10 Day Challenge
Intake: 20p
Water: 20p
Exercise: 20p
Sleep: 20p
Total: 80p :)
SW: 119
CW: 118

UGH. Where did this pound come from. Whatever. At least it's not 119. I don't want to eat tomorrow. At all. But I will, just the one day then liquid fast until brunch at my Baba's(grandmother i do not live with) on Sunday.

Maybe the reason this is so difficult is because it's all muscle? That makes sense right? I mean, I was a competitive dancer for almost 14 years so clearly I do have some of that. But there's this layer of pure FAT on top of it. Disgusting, cottage cheese, fat. Go away.

I ran for an hour today, it was awesome. Then I did an hour of arms and a half hour of legs and abs. I felt so dizzy afterwards I had to lie flat on my stomach for a few hours. My mom came home and was worried I was sick again, but once again not a word about not eating dinner. She made pasta with tomato sauce and oh my gosh it smells good. But I'm 1-fucking-18. Not a chance. I shouldn't even consider eating until that goes back down, my body has enough fucking fat to eat away at. Go do that if you're hungry and stop growling at me.

On the bright side, America's Next Top Model is on. I live for this show. Ultimate thinspo. I want that so badly. I want that thin, I need that thin. It's all I think about all day. I'm going up North for a week in July and I damn well better be at LEAST 110. Is that so much to ask for?

In my wildest dreams I hit the cottage at 105. Everyone comments on how thin I am. They ask me what my secret is and I smile and lie. "Just eating right and exercising more!" Yeah, right. When I want to eat I put on my bikini and stare in the mirror at the horridness.

How the fuck can you be hungry with that looking back at you?


Ana's right. She's always right. I think I might do a before and after type thing. Just... don't cringe at me okay Angels? I'm working really hard. Soon I will be your thinspo, I promise. But for now I'm just fatty fat me...

Resist, Restrict, and Resist again Angels,
Charlie

There is Cranberry Juice in my Fridge.

And pickles. This means that my grandmother is well aware of what I'm doing because that's the only time she buys these two things. She knows that I will drink the cranberry juice to keep my sugar up and she knows that I will eat pickles for lunch because they have minuscule amounts of calories. In some ways I was touched by this gesture, at least someone keeps tabs on me. She'd rather have me live off pickles and cranberry juice than watch me starve. It kills me to have to continue to starve, but I can't see any other way I'll be happy.

10 Day Challenge Day 1
intake: 20 points
water: 20 points
exercise: 20 points
sleep: 20 points
total: 80 points, right on track
SW: 119lbs
CW: ......

drumroll

117.
Do not ask me how. I'm thrilled, ecstatic, over the moon. How can I stop fasting now? Tomorrow is a 0 calorie day. No calories at all, just water. This is extreme but I need to get it done. Thursday will be a food day, but still sub 500. Friday and Saturday are liquid fasts and Sunday is another sub-500.

And you know what? Fuck it. Monday - Wednesday next week is another liquid fast. Crazy? Yes. Do I care right now? Absolutely not. I don't give a shit. I don't think I can handle my levels of anxiety right now without fasting. Screw common sense, I need to lose weight.

A little common sense doesn't hurt though Angels,
Charlie

Not Wrong.... Just Not Right.

Something is off. I have only been fasting a day but I feel dizzy and out of focus. My head hurts and I have almost passed out twice already. Given, I went for an hour long run, worked out my arms, and then walked for an hour and a half to drop off videos and then to my friend's house. Then my friend and I walked some more...

Perhaps I overdid it for my first day. Perhaps I should have eased into this better considering I came very close to being found out. However, I refuse to fall back. I'm eating a bun right now, approx. 200cals and I may eat a bowl of bean soup at approx. 100cals but then the next two days are sans food. I've burned waaay more than 300cals today so I should still be okay. I hope. Oh god please.

I am worried. I hope this was just a one time thing because I refuse to give up liquid fasts. I can't just restrict, it's not good enough. I will never drop as many pounds as I want by just restricting. I NEED to fast. I need to feel my stomach growl. I need to go to sleep feeling light and empty. I want to see more of my hip bones. I want my thighs to shrink to the size of my calves. I want my arms to be thin as rails. I want to hear people tell me I am too thin. I want my mother to worry. I want all of these things more than I want to be healthy. I want these things even though I know it will hurt my family; my grandmothers, my brother, my cousins. I want to be thin so damn bad I don't care who I hurt. I don't even care if I die trying.

I am a selfish creature.

Try not to think too little of me Angels,
Charlie

Hello again Angels,

As my last post was rather dramatic, allow me to explain the last month of my life. The Sunday after I finished my last exam, that happened. Afterwards I was sick for about two weeks, I couldn't get out of bed for the life of me. My grandmother and my mom were keeping incredibly close tabs on me so I had to eat. All. Month. Long.

Before the incident I was down to 114. I was so, so happy. After a month of solid eating I am back at 119. UGH. I hate it. My arms are huge, my thighs are huge, my stomach might as well be it's own fucking planet. But I know I deserve it, I forgot my mantra: drink a lot of fucking water so you don't pass out. Didn't I spend a whole post explaining to you Angels the importance of staying hydrated? What was wrong with me, how on earth did I forget the most important rule? No matter, what's done is done and now I've just got to do some serious damage control.

So on that note, I'm now in crisis mode. Damage control this time is going to take some extreme measures, but I've learned my lesson so this time there will be no fainting incidents. However this situation calls for not only a 3 day fast (Monday - Thursday) but also another 2 day fast immediately following. For those of you keeping track that means Monday to Thursday, no eating. Thursday I can have lunch but then absolutely no food until Sunday. It's extreme but dammit I need to get back down to 115.

Also, a fellow blogger here has introduced a new, interesting challenge that I just can't resist trying out. Ariana posted the 10 Day Challenge a short while back, which is a point based system intended to help you lose 5lbs in 10 days. Exactly what I needed! I'm not going to repost the image or rules, because I'd like you guys to check out her original post but basically I'm aiming for 80 points a day to total a minimum of 800 over the 10 days. Points are earned by restricting calories and exercising. I'm about to go earn 20 points for a nice long run.

Fast well Angels,
Charlie

The floor of the vet's office is cold, it chills me through to the bone. Slowly voices start to weave in and out as I try to remember why it is I'm lying here. Do I need to call an ambulance? No, no she's done this before. Give her a minute, she'll come to. But although this isn't the first time I've collapsed in public something seems very different to me. The fuzziness isn't dying down. My stomach hurts. I feel my body convulse and try to expel whatever is doing this to me. But nothing comes up, not even a liquid.

There is nothing to bring up.

The voices around me change, there is a note of panic in them now. My mother is trying to talk to me. The vet is calling an ambulance. My brother is sure it's no big deal, but nobody listens to him. I can not blame him, we were just discussing putting the cat down. This detail comes to me and immediately I wish I could take back whatever's just happened. Did we really need another emergency?

I don't have much time to dwell on this, soon I'm cornered by two paramedics. They're very gentle as they try to coax me into consciousness. They manage to get me sitting up, but this victory is pushed away once they begin working. Her blood pressure is really low. We may need to take her to the hospital. It's dropped again. We're taking her now. They don't bother to ask if I can walk to the ambulance, they just wheel the stretcher in. I see my mother's face, panicked at watching them wheel her daughter off. Heartbroken that she has to finish her business here before she can follow me. She knows how much I hate hospitals.

Inside the ambulance things don't improve. My pressure has dropped again, and I can see this is really starting to worry them. They stick my finger to check my blood sugar. It's practically non-existant. No surprise there, I haven't eaten in four days. I tell them I was out drinking the night before and that I was so stressed out about finding my cat sick that I had forgotten to eat. At least half of that is truthful. I'm handed a tube of glucose and told to eat it all. I almost ask how many calories it has. I almost flat out refuse. But where will that get me?

For whatever reason, the emergency ward is filled with sick children. Really, really sick children. I can't take it, I want to run. But there is a doctor hovering over me, pressing the crook of my arm trying desperately to find a vein. Had I been fully conscious the IV he finally sticks in me would have freaked me out, but as it is I am far too gone to care.

My mother arrives in time to watch them prod the other arm for a vein to draw blood. By now the glucose and cookies I've been forced to ingest have done their job, I'm fully aware. I hate needles, I pass out at needles, but this time I don't. They paste circles on me to monitor my heart, it thoroughly creeps me out.

Finally they are finished, and we are left to wait. My mother is worried but I know there is nothing physically wrong with me. I've let myself get dehydrated, and what is causing the panic in me is that I'm about to be found out. And then where will I hide? By the time the doctor comes back with the results I have a long list of excuses lined up.

She's severely dehydrated and her blood sugar is incredibly low. The glucose has brought it back but she needs a good meal or she'll be right back where we started.


She was out late last night, she's been stressed out about school, her cat is dead.


A million excuses made for me. Am I really that good at keeping this hidden or is my mother just this oblivious? For a moment I am outraged. How can she not know? She's my mother for god's sake. Then I remember that this is a good thing. For me, at least.

I feel much better.


I'm sure it was just stress...

On the Brink.

I might fail this course. It's killing me. I don't fail. Ever. I'm breaking apart. I ate so much this weekend. I'm going to eat tomorrow. It's a vicious cycle. I just need to break it. Need to get through the next week. But the temptation of throwing myself off a bridge is growing. I can't do this. Why did I let it get this bad?

Just... Keep.... Pushing.

Really sorry I've been a-wol on you guys lately. School is almost through, projects are almost done, and I am almost free. Down to 118 and that's without having time to work out so you can rest assured I'm keeping on track. Another 3 Day fast coming up. The usual; Sun 8pm - Weds 8pm. I have a monstrous assignment due on Tuesday and a final essay on Friday so by Saturday at the very latest I should be back in full swing! (Oh and did I mention Tuesday is also my birthday ;) )

Don't cry for me Angels,
Charlie

Sweet, Sweet Nothings.

Be proud Angels, I've fasted well today. I feel so light and empty and free and wonderful! Oh how I've missed the 3-day fast. I've forgotten how glorious it feels to go to sleep feeling hungry. I know we all love being hungry but do any of you truly enjoy the feeling of hunger? It's so strange but I adore the bubbly-growly feeling you get when you're hungry. Once I feel it I can fast for days because I love it so much. I feel it now and already my stress levels are lower. This is why I love Ana; my entire life is spiralling out of control but she's always there keeping things in check.

I suppose now's a good a time as any to introduce you to my crazy family. I live with my mom, my brother, and my grandmother. My father died years ago, leaving me with my psychotic mother whom you'll surely hear loads more about. She's crazy. And vicious. You have no idea how horrible this woman is, this one time I had just finished an incredible 5 day fast and I had rewarded myself with one chocolate bar. Obviously if I have chocolate I can't have dinner, too many calories! I fed her some bullshit excuse about my stomach hurting and instead of being concerned she notices the wrapper in the garbage and say, I kid you the fuck not, "Your stomach probably hurts because you're snacking too much." What the fuck. How, just... how. I haven't eaten chocolate since so I guess I should thank her. Anyways, she's gone a little off the deep end in the last year or two with her wine drinking. She drinks it all night then passes out on the couch. I generally keep to my room once she's dipped into the vino - again, great way to stick with Ana - because she either gets really annoying or picks fights with you. Horrible, mean, pick at whatever is left on your bones fights. My brother and I actually get along really well, it's weird. And my grandmother is the sweetest woman on the planet so no problems there. It's just that crazy bitch. She noticed I didn't eat today, and she yelled at me because "Who the hell do I cook for, then?" Lovely set of priorities she has.

Good night, Angels, and what a good night it is,
Charlie

Cue the Hallelujah Chorus

I got my period. I'm not a huge whale, I haven't gained 5 hideous pounds, I'm just bloated. Thank the lord, thank Ana, thank my metabolism for still kicking! I clocked in at 119 this morning. 119! A week ago this was akin to a death sentence but today I'm ready to kiss the scale. It's still only the first day so it will go down more. I have never been this excited about my period before. Well not never but that's a whole different story. ;)

On the downside it means my fast will have to be postponed a day. I can't liquid fast on the first day it destroys me and while generally I suck it up and lie in bed for a week (I'm not kidding when I fast and bleed my body shuts down it's weird.) I can't afford to miss a day of school work! So instead of Sunday night - Weds night I'll be fasting from 8pm tonight to Thursday night. I'm a little pissed off but I'll get over it. Two more weeks then I'm freeeeeeeee.

Thank you all so much for your support, you have no idea what it means to me. You're all so lovely and I truly appreciate every last comment. Sending you all skinny thoughts <3

Don't let school get to you Angels,
Charlie

Still Kicking.

I know I've been a ghost here over the past week or so. I'm in my last few weeks of school so I have about a million things to do and I've been so beyond stressed out. I can't sleep at night and I have these massive waves of anxiety. Every. Single. Night. I know it's awful but I've been taking Advil just to knock me out. I need a good night's sleep! And I mean big extra strengths. Two of them. I promise I'll stop once school is done. I'm not even worried about abusing them, I'm actually terrified they'll put weight on me! Can Advil do that?

On an Ana related note, I've started a three day liquid fast today. 8pm Sunday to 8pm Wednesday. I'm so damned determined to see it through. My life is spinning out of control and it's so nice to at least be able to control a fast, because I've not been very strict this week. I've got excuses but excuses are for fat kids so I'll just say I fucked up. I'm 122lbs so I'm paying for it.

Be good to Ana Angels,
Charlie

Day 6 of the Great 40 Day Fast.

Woke up really sick today. Ate normally because I don't believe in fasting when you're sick. I did really well at my grandmother's yesterday. I ate a bit of salad and some cabbage and said no to ice cream, chicken, cake, and mashed potatoes. Both my Aunt and my cousin said I'd lost weight, which made me so ridiculously happy. So I'm not too stressed about today. I'll fast until Friday night if my fever's gone by tomorrow.

Stay healthy Angels,
Charlie

Crash.

It started with noodles. Just a cup, surely that was fine. Then my mom made cookies and offered me one. Ana screamed.

Absolutely not, you've already fucked up the plan with noodles.


But it was just one cookie. Just one. They smell so good. I take one and scarf it down. This is when I know I'm out of control. When I'm in control I take small bites, I ration, I savour each bite because it's one bite closer to my last. This time I just inhaled. And it was good. It was so damn good.

I hope it was worth it because you are never having another one. 


I was mad at Ana. Angry that she had forced me to lie to my grandmother, who had run to the store to buy ginger ale for a stomach ache I didn't have. I was angry that I hadn't gotten as far in my reading as I needed to me. I was angry that I had so much work to do and only three weeks left of class. I was stressed out and angry and I took it out on Ana.

She is the only one I can be horrible to and she will never turn her back on me.

Oh but she will kick up a fuss. She will yell and scream. She will pick at the fat on my arms and add sound effects to my thunderous steps brought on by thunderous thighs. She will force me to fast longer to make up for hurting her. You do not cross Ana for she is vengeful as she is faithful.

I sat in my room dreaming of these cookies, Ana doing all she can to tie me to my bed. But she couldn't hold me, and I stuffed my face with four more. And it wasn't enough, either. Soon I had made a sandwich piled high with cheese and chicken and hot peppers. And I cut a grapefruit. And I ate it all. Every last bite. My stomach hurt for real this time.

I hope you're happy you horrendous cow. I hope your stomach hurts all night. I hope you can't sleep over it. You deserve it.


I'm sorry, I tell her. I didn't mean to. I couldn't help myself. My dog ate it. Every excuse imaginable.  And then she does something unexpected and incredible. She takes me by the hand, soothes me, tells me everything will be alright. I am grateful for her kindness and willing to follow her wherever she wants to go, I owe her that much. Where she wants to go is the basement bathroom. She turns on the tap and shuts the door.

This is my friend Mia. You'll like her, but not as much as you like me. She'll help us, but first she'll have to hurt you a little.

Hello Mia, my name is Charlie. I don't believe we've met.

Forgive me Angels,
Charlie

Day 4.

I hate having to lie to my grandmother. We got those McDonalds coupons in the mail, you know the buy one Bigmac get a second free and other assorted cellulite makers book, and of course she wants to treat us to McDonalds. I can see how excited she was to buy it for us (my brother is on March break) and I feel so terrible for having to turn her down but I just can't do it. These are the times I hate Ana, when i have to see the disappointed look on her face, she just wanted to treat me. I am a terrible person.

But I'm still at 118. 118 is not a McDonalds weight. Well I don't think any weight is a McDonalds weight but I might say yes if my grandmother offers and I'm 105. Maybe even 110, but certainly NOT 118. And not when I'm on a daylight fast!

Speaking of which, things are going well. I went out for sushi last night with a friend and managed to keep my intake to Spicy Miso Soup (my favourite), Spicy Crab Rolls, and I even picked at Teriyaki Beef. She managed to eat three orders of sushi in the time it takes me to eat one but she knows I'm "not a big eater" and she doesn't comment. I love sushi but I really prefer going with big groups because I can eat less and go unnoticed.

As for today I started off with my Ballet stretches, plies, devlopes, etc etc. I know some of you are asking for which ones but I can't really write them all out, I don't think too much when i do them I just pretend I'm in class and let it flow. Then proceeded to do a saltwater flush to get rid of the sushi in me. Once I finish this post up I'll go for a run then work out my arms, abs and maybe even an hour on the elliptical.

 I'm also starting a 3 day fast. (another reason to say no to McDs) A real fast, absolutely no food until Wednesday night. So far so good, but the first day is always the easiest. Tomorrow I have to go to a family dinner at my other grandmother's house. It's really stressing me out because unlike my mother they will notice if I don't eat. I'm going to hav to act real sick and maybe even just sip on chicken broth, which my grandmother always cooks... So not looking forward to it.

Growl on Angels,
Charlie

Day 2 of The Great 40 Day Fast

118lbs. I am down a pound!! Be good to Ana and she will reward you.

This morning I did something I haven't done in ages; my ballet stretches. Oh god it felt so good. I've danced classically for 18 years now but since transferring from my lovely Musical Theatre program to sit in a desk all day and get cellulite English I haven't had the time (or money) to take a dance class. I started off at the barre (the railing of my stairs) then repeated everything at centre (my bedroom floor). My thighs are a tad sore and I know they'll be worse tomorrow but it was so, so worth it. I need dance like I need air.

On a more food related note I've stuck to my daylight fast regime quite well. I had a banana, some coleslaw with oil and vinegar, and a few nachos for dinner. Total is still under 500 cals and I know I've burned more today. On top of my ballet workout I went for a run and did a boat load of crunches. I am so determined to lose 9lbs in 38 days!

Oh and @lottie this is an elliptical. :)

Fast well Angels,
Charlie

1 2 3 4 5 6 Switch.

It was the cafeteria that started it.

I was stuck in the school library until very late this evening because I had a Lit. essay due tonight and I have no printer at home.  After finishing it in record time I dropped off the stupid thing and headed for my bus. Being my first successful day of fasting I wasn't just hungry, I was ravenous. And there it was, calling me, delicious smells wafting right through the thick glass doors; the cafeteria. I'm not one for fast food but Subway and/or Mr. Sub are my weakness. I. love. sandwiches. Ana was quick to notice my wavering discipline.


Don't you dare you fat little fuck.


But I had been good today, I had consumed nothing but water and coffee with no sugar all day. Surely I deserved a little treat! I'd use my new elliptical, I'd spend ours crunching away the calories just for one delicious sandwich. I gave in and Ana growled.

Mouth watering, I almost ran to the ATM. Perhaps Ana is better than I thought or perhaps this was all coincidence but by some cosmic realignment the ATM was out of order and the cafeteria does not take debit. Ana cheered, my stomach growled, and I took this celestial karmic interference as a sign that the sub was just not meant for me, hopped on the bus and settled in to read the novel due next Wednesday. It wasn't until I got off at the terminal to catch my second bus that the true trouble began.

Not one, not two, but an entire group of women sat in the shelter feasting on McDonald's french fries. The smell was intoxicating, I longed for those french fries.

You will not run across the street for some. You will not run across the street for some. You will not run across the street for some. 


I couldn't either, the bus was due in two minutes. Not enough time for a fry run. No I will stay here. I can not stress the deliciousness wafting around the closed shelter. It was enough to make me stand in the freezing rain and wait out my sentence. Finally the bus pulled up, but much to my dismay the group of women were actually a pack of Pilipino nannies from my neighbourhood and they followed me right on that bus.

That was about the time things took a turn for the worse. They all sat there talking, and laughing, and munching those savory, off-limit fries. I couldn't take it. I sat there and fantasized the many different ways I could wrench those incredible things from their hands. Request a stop, grab them and run. Stand by them and sneak individual fries. Punch one of them in the face. The possibilities were endless. I abandoned my book and forced my gaze out the window. Four more stops. Three. Two. Almost there. Finally the bus rolled to a stop. There were no cars so I dashed across the usually busy road- something I normally would never think to attempt. I ran down the sidewalk and up my street. I did not stop running until I was home; safe with my chickpea salad and honey mustard vinaigrette. I had survived, held out. Ana purred.

Good work girl. But you know... a few sit ups wouldn't hurt either...


I wholeheartedly agreed.

In sleep we fast easy Angels,
Charlie.

Day 1 of The Great 40 Day Fast

No I am not abstaining from food for 40 days. That would be insanity and I would die. Remember Angels, dying = bad.

Inspired by Lent and Ramadan, which are two entirely separate religious events, I plan on spending the next 40 days fasting from sun up until sun down. Liquids only until after 7pm. Crazy? Maybe. Fun? Absolutely! If any of you feel like joining in, go right ahead. You can alter it to fit your better, I only know my body. But please, if you do join in STAY HYDRATED. I don't want anyone passing out or hospitalized. I plan on drinking one full glass of water every hour, possibly two+ if I'm having a no food day. If you don't already have one, consider getting a nalgene. They hold ridiculous amounts of water for when you're out and about, they're more environmentally friendly than disposable water bottles, and they'll save you a TON of money. I like the glass ones best because they're heavier and keep the water cooler than plastic ones. The metal ones make the water taste... metallic. I'm super picky about my water taste. They also sell neat glass and plastic bottles at Starbucks, which are pretty but kind of expensive. End water bottle tangent.

My starting weight is 119lbs. Ideally I would like to lose 10lbs over these 40 days and get out of the 11x.  My grandmother came home with this awesome elliptical machine one of her cleaning clients was throwing out. It's not even old, they're just rich enough to buy the latest and greatest top of the line machines. Bastards. Anyways this lets me do some cardio at home (yesterday I ran around my basement for an hour and a half while no one was home.) and I can even rest my books on the machine and get some readings done. I'm an English major so if I'm not exercising I'm most likely reading. I also bought this little pink iPod nano last week because some fucker stole my old one. Despite dropping 200$ I'm so stoked about it because it comes equipped with a pedometer that measures calories burned. It never leaves my hip. Seriously, if you can scrounge up the money look into getting one.  It is a godsend.

Drink, don't eat, and be merry Angels,
Charlie

What's a Girl Got to Do to Get a Scale Around Here?

Shopper's Drug Mart sells cameras, videogames, patio furniture, and even suitcases. They no longer stock scales. Why? Who knows. Maybe people bought into the whole "throw out the scale, it only makes you unhappy!" bullshit. My mother bought into that a few years back, which is why I was out scouring the city for a new one. A pharmacy with a whole section of diet pills, blood sugar checkers, and calorie-wise foods does not stock scales. Luckily my Shopper's has a Health Clinic Shoppers attached to it and I was told by a sales clerk that I might (yes might) find one there.

Now before you get visions of this magical place dedicated to health products at low prices I have to tell you that it's.... well not that. The first thing I saw walking in were those chairs old people have to use in the shower so they don't slip. The second and third were magnifying glasses and walkers. I swear I was the youngest patron to ever walk in there. Ever. But they did have scales. A whopping 5 scales to choose from. Hooray. Of course I went with the cheapest one, endorsed by Weight Watchers! I'm not sure what the point of that is exactly, does it shout encouraging words at you while cooking you a low calorie dinner? (For those of you wondering, no it doesn't) Whatever the benefit, it was cheapest. Did y'all know scales are 50$? Of course you did, you're Ana's too. ;)

I weigh 119lbs. That needs to change.

Until we weigh-in again Angels,
Charlie

Good Morning, Angels.

My name is Charlie, and this is my story.

I started this blog not in a moment of glory, but a moment of weakness. I tell you this because I know that some of you reading this are going through the same thing. I have lost control. I'm not sure when exactly it happened, but I've been eating. And I hate it. Those of you who do not have Ana on your back, who out of curiosity or need to spout morals to save their troubled youth quota of the week have tumbled across this blog are probably confused by this. Get used to it, these are the thoughts of a girl who would rather be dead than an average weight. Which, by the way, I am right now. Shoot me, please.

I feel fat. Disgustingly fat. The kind of fat 3 straight weeks of eating "normally" will do to you. I can feel my arms jiggling while I type. I would love to sit down and write out the horrors of today, but I won't. It's done, it's over, beating my fat self up over it won't change it. The only silver lining is that I did do a saltwater flush(here, it's a lifesaver) this morning, before gorging myself.

And that is what brought me here. I'm sick of doing this alone. I know there are more of you little Ana's who can't sleep because they've failed as I have. Given into food and are paying for it. You're not alone, little ones. I'm here. We'll push past this awful bump in the road. I don't know if anyone will even read this, but if you do and are suffering the way I am right now at least you can rest easier knowing you're not the only one. Tomorrow will be better. I am determined to get back to Ana and have one good zero calorie day.

Wish me luck Angels,
Charlie