113 and Cupcake Day

Awwwwwww yeah !

Liquid fast went spectacularly! I've lost 3lbs and I've only got 4 more to lose by July 1. I can do this. I will get to 109. I can fast and work, I can fast and exercise, I can fast in the sun. This is it Angels, this is the summer when I finally do it.

I will be 98lbs by September.

The only thing holding us back is ourselves. Our bodies are stronger than we give them credit for. Personally, my issue is losing that grumble in my tummy. I love that grumble. When I feel it I know I can fast forever. But after a while that grumble goes away, your body stops telling you when it needs food. That's where I'm at now and it sucks. Sometimes eating a few almonds or a peach will kick start the grumble but sometimes it doesn't and that's what usually triggers the binge. I need to stop that habit, I'm so determined right now even though I had a chicken burger for dinner.

Okay so this is how it happened:

I overheard my grandmother telling my mother that I don't eat during the day, which is true. I feel like such an awful person when I realize how much my grandmother worries about me. She sees what my mother is just too far gone to see. I know she can't handle her own issues let alone mine or my brother's and I know I should be sympathetic but I just hate her for giving up. And I hate me for hating her.

Anyways it's my uncle's birthday and he was going to come over and we were going to have hamburgers. I wasn't planning on eating anything, not even some salad but then once again my grandmother shows how much she cares. Sitting beside the burgers was a single chicken burger. Just one.

For me.
Because she knows I like them better than hamburgers.
Because she knows I didn't eat anything but that cupcake today.
Because she just wants me to eat and be happy.
Because she genuinely cares.

So I ate it with some hot sauce and it was incredible but now I feel fat and disgusted with myself for eating. I shouldn't have put it on a bun, I could have just cut it up and dipped it in hot sauce. And then I feel terrible for hating my grandmother for caring so damn much.

I'm fasting tomorrow because I know she won't be home. Maybe I'll start leaving plates with crumbs on the counter so she'll think I made a sandwich. You can shake some out of the bottom of the bag of bread and spread hem on a plate and nobody will know. Except of course for my grandmother who will be suspicious as to why I made a sandwich on sliced bread when she knows how much I love the kaiser buns she buys. At least she can't say anything to my mum because she'll go berserk at her for trying to parent us. In fact, the more she says anything to my mum the longer my mum will refuse to see anything out of pure stubbornness. My god this is fucked up. Whatever, I'm 113 ;)

Stay twisted Angels,
Charlie