Thin Mutt.

Wreaking havoc as usual. Just leave him be, he doesn't care. No one does. You're my girl now, we're all we have left in this world. I will never question nor wander from Ana's path again. I am hers. I will do whatever she asks. I will be strong. I will be thin. The only way out is up.

Ambitions.

I want a 0 calorie day. A day where I don't intake anything but water, sweet zero calorie water. That day will be today. I can last until work, and I can pass out after work. I avoided a binge last night, which I'm very proud of but my scale says 112, which doesn't make sense. How can my weight fluctuate so dramatically when I know I'm not eating 2lbs worth of food AND I exercise like a fiend? It seriously stresses me out.


Anyways, so today is just water. I can do this, I know I can. I'm stronger than I've been as of late, I know this. I can resist food, I can. It's just food, right?

Oh and @Sam: To answer your question, I'm 5'1". So I'm really not thin at all. But I'm getting there, one way or another.

Tuesday night is Tequila and Taco night with a good friend of mine. The tacos will be super healthy, filled with lean chicken and kale and all sorts of delicious things. The Tequila..... well, it will be Tequila. But I'm not too worried because I don't plan on eating anything until those Tacos. I can do this, I can earn those tacos.

Stay strong Angels,
Charlie

110.

Surprisingly I owe this to my mother for yelling at me yesterday. I was going to cave and have a bit of the chicken wings and fries she made after work but she yelled at me on the way home and I ended up doing 100 crunches and 25 leg lifts instead. Thanks mum ;)

Anyways I'm fasting today as well because I MUST get to 109. Must. I'm so close. I have a hot Yoga class today which I'll get through on vitamin water and gatorade. Those two are the perfect combination for those of us who want to fast, but don't want to pass out and end up in the ER for the god knows how many time this summer. When I wake up I drink my routine cup of coffee, then the vitamin water (today is Multi-V to make up for the vitamins I've not been getting through food) and I drink the gatorade after my Yoga class. Perfect. Of course I drink loads of water on top of those, that's key too.

I'm so excited to finally be back in the 10x's again! Ugh I was so heavy last year it disgusts me. 120? Wow. Way to let yourself go there, Charlie. So I hereby vow, in front of all my Angels, to never let myself balloon up there again. I'm going to be thin from here on out, never will I give in to food like that. I'm going to fast and restrict myself down to 102, maybe lower who knows. But at 102 I'll have officially lost 15% of my body fat. Great, no? Only 8lbs to go !

Motivation and skinny thoughts for all my Angels,
Charlie

Empty Empty Empty.

I am oh so empty <3

I have eaten nothing today, I will eat nothing tomorrow. Yoga will get progressively harder but do increasingly more to help me lose. These are the needed lbs now, not extra here or there. To break 110 will be to finally turn my body from a strong dancers body to a thin girl. A thin girl who has trouble getting through a yoga sequence and feels like a weak piece of shit but refuses to do what's necessary to be strong. A thin girl who knows nothing but being thin. Some sort of thin mutation, a thin little mutt.

Thin mutts never forget how much they hate their mothers, unlike their healthy counterparts who succumb to their brief spats of kindness. Thin mutts remember when she picked you up from work drunk and thin mutts punish her for it. Thin mutts do not give in to food cravings, they suck back the salt water flush and watch as anything that once was intake is gone gone gone. Thin mutts are never thin enough. I am a thin mutt, and I'm glad to be back.

Do I wish I was thinner going back to school? Of course. But I'm not. I'm 112lbs, and were I anything but a Thin Mutt I'd realize how good I look. But I'm not, so that's irrelevant. I don't want to look good and healthy, I want to look THIN. The thin that people whisper about behind your back, commenting to their friends that you're "too skinny" but secretly wishing they could look like you too. But not everyone can commit to the Thin Mutt way, some are too happy and too healthy.

And others.... well you know about them better than anyone, Angels.
Charlie

He cares.

Remember that, Charlie.

Cabbage Soup for Two.

I've forgotten to mention something very important to you guys: I've met a fellow Ana at work! At first we both seemed normal to each other, but slowly the more we talked it just came out. We're dieting, crazy, food obsessed Anas. We literally discuss our diet and food plans and goals our entire shift. So much fun!

It's also really nice to finally have someone who knows what this is like. Now I know I have all of you, and believe me when I say that all of your comments help and mean so much to me. But it's nice to be able to talk to someone face to face and know that I'm not the only one who loses control like this.

So together we're doing a 7 day Cabbage Soup Diet. I'm making it with my mum this evening and I'll be sure to post the recipe for you guys but it's basically going to be vegetarian, low-cal, low-sodium, and super healthy. My mum once told me that it's good to eat nothing but boiled cabbage for a few days once a year, that her doctor recommended it once as a good detox for all the horrible things the average person puts in their body. So why not try it out? I think nothing but cabbage soup for a week should result in a loss.

I'll keep you posted Angels,
Charlie

That Empty Feeling.

That growl in your belly. That light headed feeling. Oh how I've missed you.

I'm over the moon ecstatic, Angels. Sunday night I was 117lbs, and panicked beyond belief. This morning, after a three day fast which ended with a 350cal ice cream I weighed in at 114.

!!

3lbs gone, just like that. I'm still 3lbs heavier than I was pre-July bingefest, but I'm dropping the weight quickly. I'm even developing a thigh gap. I know 100% now that I am back on track, and so determined to reach my goal weight. First 109, then 102, and then.... well I tell myself I'm going to stop at 102 but I know that once i get there I'll want 98 and then we'll really find out how deep the rabbit hole goes.

Today I'm fasting, nothing but water and perhaps a Diet Coke at work if I start to get a little dizzy. Tomorrow will be 250cal spicy crab roll and an 80 cal spicy miso soup for a total of 330cal. My Hot Yoga class and the jog home will leave me with a deficit intake and hopefully another loss. Saturday is sub 500cals again (I think this whole month needs to be sub 500 no matter what) and Sun - Tues is a 3 day fast again. This is my last month before school and I am determined to make it count.

Sending skinnies to all my Angels,
Charlie

In case any of you were wondering... eating nothing for two days and then having a Smartie's Mini-Blizzard (@300 cals btw) is a bad idea. Oh man do I feel sick.

Oh There you are, Willpower.

Just popping in - yes, drunk - to let my lovely Angels know that I've done it. I'm back on track. Tonight we went out drinking and I actually said NO to McDonald's. Which is fucking hard because I have an odd addiction to their Mac Sauce. I could eat it with a spoon. But not tonight. Living on a banana and some Tequila; a good day in any books :)

Skinny girls don't buy their own drinks Angles,
Charlie