We were strangers.

Last night I caught up with a friend I haven't talked to in ages. He was someone I sort of had a thing with and the last few years between us have been rocky. Mostly because I let Ana distort who he is. I think things are patching up though. I think we can be friends. I hope we can.

I will never let Ana near him again.

We aren't speaking today. Not a single word out of her. I'm still fasting, I'm a little dizzy but I've kind of grown to like this feeling. But I haven't weighed myself. I know she's inside growling away, tearing herself up because she can't know how much we weigh. Well suck it up for now, I hate you for how you make me see him. And it's not going to work anymore. You can tear me up and call me all sorts of horrible things but you leave him be.

Oh god I am going to pay miserably for my insolence.

Another day, another fast.

I almost broke today. There was this onion bun on the counter and I could smell it. I wanted it so bad. With some turkey breast, hot peppers, and honey mustard; holy mother of god it was going to be incredible. I had just finished a run and I'm going to be drinking tonight so I figured... what's one onion bun sandwich-stravaganza? The deal was done, the fridge was open, my head was inside poking for fixins. I had just cut the bun in half when she finally jumped in.

Stop right there you fat little fuck.


Shit. Busted.

Are you out of your chubby mind? We are at 117. We are doing good. Why are you ruining this?


I am starving and I have to drink tonight. I don't want to get sick.

Don't be stupid. The more you have in your stomach, the more you have to drink. You put that sandwich in your mouth and you have to intake even more tonight. Fast and you save calories twice. 


Dammit, she's right. She's always right. I put the two halves of the bun back in it's bag and poured a glass of water instead. Now I can drink less, get the same buzz, and save even more calories. And I won't feel full in jeans. But I was still kind of pissed at her for stopping what would have been a delicious lunch so I grabbed a teaspoon of peanut butter. So there.

You are such a passive aggressive bitch.


My brother made a meatball sandwich out of the glorious onion bun.

Mid-week, mid-weight.

10 Day Challenge
Intake: 20p
Water: 20p
Exercise: 20p
Sleep: 20p
Total: 80p :)
SW: 119
CW: 118

UGH. Where did this pound come from. Whatever. At least it's not 119. I don't want to eat tomorrow. At all. But I will, just the one day then liquid fast until brunch at my Baba's(grandmother i do not live with) on Sunday.

Maybe the reason this is so difficult is because it's all muscle? That makes sense right? I mean, I was a competitive dancer for almost 14 years so clearly I do have some of that. But there's this layer of pure FAT on top of it. Disgusting, cottage cheese, fat. Go away.

I ran for an hour today, it was awesome. Then I did an hour of arms and a half hour of legs and abs. I felt so dizzy afterwards I had to lie flat on my stomach for a few hours. My mom came home and was worried I was sick again, but once again not a word about not eating dinner. She made pasta with tomato sauce and oh my gosh it smells good. But I'm 1-fucking-18. Not a chance. I shouldn't even consider eating until that goes back down, my body has enough fucking fat to eat away at. Go do that if you're hungry and stop growling at me.

On the bright side, America's Next Top Model is on. I live for this show. Ultimate thinspo. I want that so badly. I want that thin, I need that thin. It's all I think about all day. I'm going up North for a week in July and I damn well better be at LEAST 110. Is that so much to ask for?

In my wildest dreams I hit the cottage at 105. Everyone comments on how thin I am. They ask me what my secret is and I smile and lie. "Just eating right and exercising more!" Yeah, right. When I want to eat I put on my bikini and stare in the mirror at the horridness.

How the fuck can you be hungry with that looking back at you?


Ana's right. She's always right. I think I might do a before and after type thing. Just... don't cringe at me okay Angels? I'm working really hard. Soon I will be your thinspo, I promise. But for now I'm just fatty fat me...

Resist, Restrict, and Resist again Angels,
Charlie

There is Cranberry Juice in my Fridge.

And pickles. This means that my grandmother is well aware of what I'm doing because that's the only time she buys these two things. She knows that I will drink the cranberry juice to keep my sugar up and she knows that I will eat pickles for lunch because they have minuscule amounts of calories. In some ways I was touched by this gesture, at least someone keeps tabs on me. She'd rather have me live off pickles and cranberry juice than watch me starve. It kills me to have to continue to starve, but I can't see any other way I'll be happy.

10 Day Challenge Day 1
intake: 20 points
water: 20 points
exercise: 20 points
sleep: 20 points
total: 80 points, right on track
SW: 119lbs
CW: ......

drumroll

117.
Do not ask me how. I'm thrilled, ecstatic, over the moon. How can I stop fasting now? Tomorrow is a 0 calorie day. No calories at all, just water. This is extreme but I need to get it done. Thursday will be a food day, but still sub 500. Friday and Saturday are liquid fasts and Sunday is another sub-500.

And you know what? Fuck it. Monday - Wednesday next week is another liquid fast. Crazy? Yes. Do I care right now? Absolutely not. I don't give a shit. I don't think I can handle my levels of anxiety right now without fasting. Screw common sense, I need to lose weight.

A little common sense doesn't hurt though Angels,
Charlie

Not Wrong.... Just Not Right.

Something is off. I have only been fasting a day but I feel dizzy and out of focus. My head hurts and I have almost passed out twice already. Given, I went for an hour long run, worked out my arms, and then walked for an hour and a half to drop off videos and then to my friend's house. Then my friend and I walked some more...

Perhaps I overdid it for my first day. Perhaps I should have eased into this better considering I came very close to being found out. However, I refuse to fall back. I'm eating a bun right now, approx. 200cals and I may eat a bowl of bean soup at approx. 100cals but then the next two days are sans food. I've burned waaay more than 300cals today so I should still be okay. I hope. Oh god please.

I am worried. I hope this was just a one time thing because I refuse to give up liquid fasts. I can't just restrict, it's not good enough. I will never drop as many pounds as I want by just restricting. I NEED to fast. I need to feel my stomach growl. I need to go to sleep feeling light and empty. I want to see more of my hip bones. I want my thighs to shrink to the size of my calves. I want my arms to be thin as rails. I want to hear people tell me I am too thin. I want my mother to worry. I want all of these things more than I want to be healthy. I want these things even though I know it will hurt my family; my grandmothers, my brother, my cousins. I want to be thin so damn bad I don't care who I hurt. I don't even care if I die trying.

I am a selfish creature.

Try not to think too little of me Angels,
Charlie

Hello again Angels,

As my last post was rather dramatic, allow me to explain the last month of my life. The Sunday after I finished my last exam, that happened. Afterwards I was sick for about two weeks, I couldn't get out of bed for the life of me. My grandmother and my mom were keeping incredibly close tabs on me so I had to eat. All. Month. Long.

Before the incident I was down to 114. I was so, so happy. After a month of solid eating I am back at 119. UGH. I hate it. My arms are huge, my thighs are huge, my stomach might as well be it's own fucking planet. But I know I deserve it, I forgot my mantra: drink a lot of fucking water so you don't pass out. Didn't I spend a whole post explaining to you Angels the importance of staying hydrated? What was wrong with me, how on earth did I forget the most important rule? No matter, what's done is done and now I've just got to do some serious damage control.

So on that note, I'm now in crisis mode. Damage control this time is going to take some extreme measures, but I've learned my lesson so this time there will be no fainting incidents. However this situation calls for not only a 3 day fast (Monday - Thursday) but also another 2 day fast immediately following. For those of you keeping track that means Monday to Thursday, no eating. Thursday I can have lunch but then absolutely no food until Sunday. It's extreme but dammit I need to get back down to 115.

Also, a fellow blogger here has introduced a new, interesting challenge that I just can't resist trying out. Ariana posted the 10 Day Challenge a short while back, which is a point based system intended to help you lose 5lbs in 10 days. Exactly what I needed! I'm not going to repost the image or rules, because I'd like you guys to check out her original post but basically I'm aiming for 80 points a day to total a minimum of 800 over the 10 days. Points are earned by restricting calories and exercising. I'm about to go earn 20 points for a nice long run.

Fast well Angels,
Charlie

The floor of the vet's office is cold, it chills me through to the bone. Slowly voices start to weave in and out as I try to remember why it is I'm lying here. Do I need to call an ambulance? No, no she's done this before. Give her a minute, she'll come to. But although this isn't the first time I've collapsed in public something seems very different to me. The fuzziness isn't dying down. My stomach hurts. I feel my body convulse and try to expel whatever is doing this to me. But nothing comes up, not even a liquid.

There is nothing to bring up.

The voices around me change, there is a note of panic in them now. My mother is trying to talk to me. The vet is calling an ambulance. My brother is sure it's no big deal, but nobody listens to him. I can not blame him, we were just discussing putting the cat down. This detail comes to me and immediately I wish I could take back whatever's just happened. Did we really need another emergency?

I don't have much time to dwell on this, soon I'm cornered by two paramedics. They're very gentle as they try to coax me into consciousness. They manage to get me sitting up, but this victory is pushed away once they begin working. Her blood pressure is really low. We may need to take her to the hospital. It's dropped again. We're taking her now. They don't bother to ask if I can walk to the ambulance, they just wheel the stretcher in. I see my mother's face, panicked at watching them wheel her daughter off. Heartbroken that she has to finish her business here before she can follow me. She knows how much I hate hospitals.

Inside the ambulance things don't improve. My pressure has dropped again, and I can see this is really starting to worry them. They stick my finger to check my blood sugar. It's practically non-existant. No surprise there, I haven't eaten in four days. I tell them I was out drinking the night before and that I was so stressed out about finding my cat sick that I had forgotten to eat. At least half of that is truthful. I'm handed a tube of glucose and told to eat it all. I almost ask how many calories it has. I almost flat out refuse. But where will that get me?

For whatever reason, the emergency ward is filled with sick children. Really, really sick children. I can't take it, I want to run. But there is a doctor hovering over me, pressing the crook of my arm trying desperately to find a vein. Had I been fully conscious the IV he finally sticks in me would have freaked me out, but as it is I am far too gone to care.

My mother arrives in time to watch them prod the other arm for a vein to draw blood. By now the glucose and cookies I've been forced to ingest have done their job, I'm fully aware. I hate needles, I pass out at needles, but this time I don't. They paste circles on me to monitor my heart, it thoroughly creeps me out.

Finally they are finished, and we are left to wait. My mother is worried but I know there is nothing physically wrong with me. I've let myself get dehydrated, and what is causing the panic in me is that I'm about to be found out. And then where will I hide? By the time the doctor comes back with the results I have a long list of excuses lined up.

She's severely dehydrated and her blood sugar is incredibly low. The glucose has brought it back but she needs a good meal or she'll be right back where we started.


She was out late last night, she's been stressed out about school, her cat is dead.


A million excuses made for me. Am I really that good at keeping this hidden or is my mother just this oblivious? For a moment I am outraged. How can she not know? She's my mother for god's sake. Then I remember that this is a good thing. For me, at least.

I feel much better.


I'm sure it was just stress...