On the Brink.

I might fail this course. It's killing me. I don't fail. Ever. I'm breaking apart. I ate so much this weekend. I'm going to eat tomorrow. It's a vicious cycle. I just need to break it. Need to get through the next week. But the temptation of throwing myself off a bridge is growing. I can't do this. Why did I let it get this bad?

Just... Keep.... Pushing.

Really sorry I've been a-wol on you guys lately. School is almost through, projects are almost done, and I am almost free. Down to 118 and that's without having time to work out so you can rest assured I'm keeping on track. Another 3 Day fast coming up. The usual; Sun 8pm - Weds 8pm. I have a monstrous assignment due on Tuesday and a final essay on Friday so by Saturday at the very latest I should be back in full swing! (Oh and did I mention Tuesday is also my birthday ;) )

Don't cry for me Angels,
Charlie

Sweet, Sweet Nothings.

Be proud Angels, I've fasted well today. I feel so light and empty and free and wonderful! Oh how I've missed the 3-day fast. I've forgotten how glorious it feels to go to sleep feeling hungry. I know we all love being hungry but do any of you truly enjoy the feeling of hunger? It's so strange but I adore the bubbly-growly feeling you get when you're hungry. Once I feel it I can fast for days because I love it so much. I feel it now and already my stress levels are lower. This is why I love Ana; my entire life is spiralling out of control but she's always there keeping things in check.

I suppose now's a good a time as any to introduce you to my crazy family. I live with my mom, my brother, and my grandmother. My father died years ago, leaving me with my psychotic mother whom you'll surely hear loads more about. She's crazy. And vicious. You have no idea how horrible this woman is, this one time I had just finished an incredible 5 day fast and I had rewarded myself with one chocolate bar. Obviously if I have chocolate I can't have dinner, too many calories! I fed her some bullshit excuse about my stomach hurting and instead of being concerned she notices the wrapper in the garbage and say, I kid you the fuck not, "Your stomach probably hurts because you're snacking too much." What the fuck. How, just... how. I haven't eaten chocolate since so I guess I should thank her. Anyways, she's gone a little off the deep end in the last year or two with her wine drinking. She drinks it all night then passes out on the couch. I generally keep to my room once she's dipped into the vino - again, great way to stick with Ana - because she either gets really annoying or picks fights with you. Horrible, mean, pick at whatever is left on your bones fights. My brother and I actually get along really well, it's weird. And my grandmother is the sweetest woman on the planet so no problems there. It's just that crazy bitch. She noticed I didn't eat today, and she yelled at me because "Who the hell do I cook for, then?" Lovely set of priorities she has.

Good night, Angels, and what a good night it is,
Charlie

Cue the Hallelujah Chorus

I got my period. I'm not a huge whale, I haven't gained 5 hideous pounds, I'm just bloated. Thank the lord, thank Ana, thank my metabolism for still kicking! I clocked in at 119 this morning. 119! A week ago this was akin to a death sentence but today I'm ready to kiss the scale. It's still only the first day so it will go down more. I have never been this excited about my period before. Well not never but that's a whole different story. ;)

On the downside it means my fast will have to be postponed a day. I can't liquid fast on the first day it destroys me and while generally I suck it up and lie in bed for a week (I'm not kidding when I fast and bleed my body shuts down it's weird.) I can't afford to miss a day of school work! So instead of Sunday night - Weds night I'll be fasting from 8pm tonight to Thursday night. I'm a little pissed off but I'll get over it. Two more weeks then I'm freeeeeeeee.

Thank you all so much for your support, you have no idea what it means to me. You're all so lovely and I truly appreciate every last comment. Sending you all skinny thoughts <3

Don't let school get to you Angels,
Charlie

Still Kicking.

I know I've been a ghost here over the past week or so. I'm in my last few weeks of school so I have about a million things to do and I've been so beyond stressed out. I can't sleep at night and I have these massive waves of anxiety. Every. Single. Night. I know it's awful but I've been taking Advil just to knock me out. I need a good night's sleep! And I mean big extra strengths. Two of them. I promise I'll stop once school is done. I'm not even worried about abusing them, I'm actually terrified they'll put weight on me! Can Advil do that?

On an Ana related note, I've started a three day liquid fast today. 8pm Sunday to 8pm Wednesday. I'm so damned determined to see it through. My life is spinning out of control and it's so nice to at least be able to control a fast, because I've not been very strict this week. I've got excuses but excuses are for fat kids so I'll just say I fucked up. I'm 122lbs so I'm paying for it.

Be good to Ana Angels,
Charlie

Day 6 of the Great 40 Day Fast.

Woke up really sick today. Ate normally because I don't believe in fasting when you're sick. I did really well at my grandmother's yesterday. I ate a bit of salad and some cabbage and said no to ice cream, chicken, cake, and mashed potatoes. Both my Aunt and my cousin said I'd lost weight, which made me so ridiculously happy. So I'm not too stressed about today. I'll fast until Friday night if my fever's gone by tomorrow.

Stay healthy Angels,
Charlie

Crash.

It started with noodles. Just a cup, surely that was fine. Then my mom made cookies and offered me one. Ana screamed.

Absolutely not, you've already fucked up the plan with noodles.


But it was just one cookie. Just one. They smell so good. I take one and scarf it down. This is when I know I'm out of control. When I'm in control I take small bites, I ration, I savour each bite because it's one bite closer to my last. This time I just inhaled. And it was good. It was so damn good.

I hope it was worth it because you are never having another one. 


I was mad at Ana. Angry that she had forced me to lie to my grandmother, who had run to the store to buy ginger ale for a stomach ache I didn't have. I was angry that I hadn't gotten as far in my reading as I needed to me. I was angry that I had so much work to do and only three weeks left of class. I was stressed out and angry and I took it out on Ana.

She is the only one I can be horrible to and she will never turn her back on me.

Oh but she will kick up a fuss. She will yell and scream. She will pick at the fat on my arms and add sound effects to my thunderous steps brought on by thunderous thighs. She will force me to fast longer to make up for hurting her. You do not cross Ana for she is vengeful as she is faithful.

I sat in my room dreaming of these cookies, Ana doing all she can to tie me to my bed. But she couldn't hold me, and I stuffed my face with four more. And it wasn't enough, either. Soon I had made a sandwich piled high with cheese and chicken and hot peppers. And I cut a grapefruit. And I ate it all. Every last bite. My stomach hurt for real this time.

I hope you're happy you horrendous cow. I hope your stomach hurts all night. I hope you can't sleep over it. You deserve it.


I'm sorry, I tell her. I didn't mean to. I couldn't help myself. My dog ate it. Every excuse imaginable.  And then she does something unexpected and incredible. She takes me by the hand, soothes me, tells me everything will be alright. I am grateful for her kindness and willing to follow her wherever she wants to go, I owe her that much. Where she wants to go is the basement bathroom. She turns on the tap and shuts the door.

This is my friend Mia. You'll like her, but not as much as you like me. She'll help us, but first she'll have to hurt you a little.

Hello Mia, my name is Charlie. I don't believe we've met.

Forgive me Angels,
Charlie

Day 4.

I hate having to lie to my grandmother. We got those McDonalds coupons in the mail, you know the buy one Bigmac get a second free and other assorted cellulite makers book, and of course she wants to treat us to McDonalds. I can see how excited she was to buy it for us (my brother is on March break) and I feel so terrible for having to turn her down but I just can't do it. These are the times I hate Ana, when i have to see the disappointed look on her face, she just wanted to treat me. I am a terrible person.

But I'm still at 118. 118 is not a McDonalds weight. Well I don't think any weight is a McDonalds weight but I might say yes if my grandmother offers and I'm 105. Maybe even 110, but certainly NOT 118. And not when I'm on a daylight fast!

Speaking of which, things are going well. I went out for sushi last night with a friend and managed to keep my intake to Spicy Miso Soup (my favourite), Spicy Crab Rolls, and I even picked at Teriyaki Beef. She managed to eat three orders of sushi in the time it takes me to eat one but she knows I'm "not a big eater" and she doesn't comment. I love sushi but I really prefer going with big groups because I can eat less and go unnoticed.

As for today I started off with my Ballet stretches, plies, devlopes, etc etc. I know some of you are asking for which ones but I can't really write them all out, I don't think too much when i do them I just pretend I'm in class and let it flow. Then proceeded to do a saltwater flush to get rid of the sushi in me. Once I finish this post up I'll go for a run then work out my arms, abs and maybe even an hour on the elliptical.

 I'm also starting a 3 day fast. (another reason to say no to McDs) A real fast, absolutely no food until Wednesday night. So far so good, but the first day is always the easiest. Tomorrow I have to go to a family dinner at my other grandmother's house. It's really stressing me out because unlike my mother they will notice if I don't eat. I'm going to hav to act real sick and maybe even just sip on chicken broth, which my grandmother always cooks... So not looking forward to it.

Growl on Angels,
Charlie

Day 2 of The Great 40 Day Fast

118lbs. I am down a pound!! Be good to Ana and she will reward you.

This morning I did something I haven't done in ages; my ballet stretches. Oh god it felt so good. I've danced classically for 18 years now but since transferring from my lovely Musical Theatre program to sit in a desk all day and get cellulite English I haven't had the time (or money) to take a dance class. I started off at the barre (the railing of my stairs) then repeated everything at centre (my bedroom floor). My thighs are a tad sore and I know they'll be worse tomorrow but it was so, so worth it. I need dance like I need air.

On a more food related note I've stuck to my daylight fast regime quite well. I had a banana, some coleslaw with oil and vinegar, and a few nachos for dinner. Total is still under 500 cals and I know I've burned more today. On top of my ballet workout I went for a run and did a boat load of crunches. I am so determined to lose 9lbs in 38 days!

Oh and @lottie this is an elliptical. :)

Fast well Angels,
Charlie

1 2 3 4 5 6 Switch.

It was the cafeteria that started it.

I was stuck in the school library until very late this evening because I had a Lit. essay due tonight and I have no printer at home.  After finishing it in record time I dropped off the stupid thing and headed for my bus. Being my first successful day of fasting I wasn't just hungry, I was ravenous. And there it was, calling me, delicious smells wafting right through the thick glass doors; the cafeteria. I'm not one for fast food but Subway and/or Mr. Sub are my weakness. I. love. sandwiches. Ana was quick to notice my wavering discipline.


Don't you dare you fat little fuck.


But I had been good today, I had consumed nothing but water and coffee with no sugar all day. Surely I deserved a little treat! I'd use my new elliptical, I'd spend ours crunching away the calories just for one delicious sandwich. I gave in and Ana growled.

Mouth watering, I almost ran to the ATM. Perhaps Ana is better than I thought or perhaps this was all coincidence but by some cosmic realignment the ATM was out of order and the cafeteria does not take debit. Ana cheered, my stomach growled, and I took this celestial karmic interference as a sign that the sub was just not meant for me, hopped on the bus and settled in to read the novel due next Wednesday. It wasn't until I got off at the terminal to catch my second bus that the true trouble began.

Not one, not two, but an entire group of women sat in the shelter feasting on McDonald's french fries. The smell was intoxicating, I longed for those french fries.

You will not run across the street for some. You will not run across the street for some. You will not run across the street for some. 


I couldn't either, the bus was due in two minutes. Not enough time for a fry run. No I will stay here. I can not stress the deliciousness wafting around the closed shelter. It was enough to make me stand in the freezing rain and wait out my sentence. Finally the bus pulled up, but much to my dismay the group of women were actually a pack of Pilipino nannies from my neighbourhood and they followed me right on that bus.

That was about the time things took a turn for the worse. They all sat there talking, and laughing, and munching those savory, off-limit fries. I couldn't take it. I sat there and fantasized the many different ways I could wrench those incredible things from their hands. Request a stop, grab them and run. Stand by them and sneak individual fries. Punch one of them in the face. The possibilities were endless. I abandoned my book and forced my gaze out the window. Four more stops. Three. Two. Almost there. Finally the bus rolled to a stop. There were no cars so I dashed across the usually busy road- something I normally would never think to attempt. I ran down the sidewalk and up my street. I did not stop running until I was home; safe with my chickpea salad and honey mustard vinaigrette. I had survived, held out. Ana purred.

Good work girl. But you know... a few sit ups wouldn't hurt either...


I wholeheartedly agreed.

In sleep we fast easy Angels,
Charlie.

Day 1 of The Great 40 Day Fast

No I am not abstaining from food for 40 days. That would be insanity and I would die. Remember Angels, dying = bad.

Inspired by Lent and Ramadan, which are two entirely separate religious events, I plan on spending the next 40 days fasting from sun up until sun down. Liquids only until after 7pm. Crazy? Maybe. Fun? Absolutely! If any of you feel like joining in, go right ahead. You can alter it to fit your better, I only know my body. But please, if you do join in STAY HYDRATED. I don't want anyone passing out or hospitalized. I plan on drinking one full glass of water every hour, possibly two+ if I'm having a no food day. If you don't already have one, consider getting a nalgene. They hold ridiculous amounts of water for when you're out and about, they're more environmentally friendly than disposable water bottles, and they'll save you a TON of money. I like the glass ones best because they're heavier and keep the water cooler than plastic ones. The metal ones make the water taste... metallic. I'm super picky about my water taste. They also sell neat glass and plastic bottles at Starbucks, which are pretty but kind of expensive. End water bottle tangent.

My starting weight is 119lbs. Ideally I would like to lose 10lbs over these 40 days and get out of the 11x.  My grandmother came home with this awesome elliptical machine one of her cleaning clients was throwing out. It's not even old, they're just rich enough to buy the latest and greatest top of the line machines. Bastards. Anyways this lets me do some cardio at home (yesterday I ran around my basement for an hour and a half while no one was home.) and I can even rest my books on the machine and get some readings done. I'm an English major so if I'm not exercising I'm most likely reading. I also bought this little pink iPod nano last week because some fucker stole my old one. Despite dropping 200$ I'm so stoked about it because it comes equipped with a pedometer that measures calories burned. It never leaves my hip. Seriously, if you can scrounge up the money look into getting one.  It is a godsend.

Drink, don't eat, and be merry Angels,
Charlie

What's a Girl Got to Do to Get a Scale Around Here?

Shopper's Drug Mart sells cameras, videogames, patio furniture, and even suitcases. They no longer stock scales. Why? Who knows. Maybe people bought into the whole "throw out the scale, it only makes you unhappy!" bullshit. My mother bought into that a few years back, which is why I was out scouring the city for a new one. A pharmacy with a whole section of diet pills, blood sugar checkers, and calorie-wise foods does not stock scales. Luckily my Shopper's has a Health Clinic Shoppers attached to it and I was told by a sales clerk that I might (yes might) find one there.

Now before you get visions of this magical place dedicated to health products at low prices I have to tell you that it's.... well not that. The first thing I saw walking in were those chairs old people have to use in the shower so they don't slip. The second and third were magnifying glasses and walkers. I swear I was the youngest patron to ever walk in there. Ever. But they did have scales. A whopping 5 scales to choose from. Hooray. Of course I went with the cheapest one, endorsed by Weight Watchers! I'm not sure what the point of that is exactly, does it shout encouraging words at you while cooking you a low calorie dinner? (For those of you wondering, no it doesn't) Whatever the benefit, it was cheapest. Did y'all know scales are 50$? Of course you did, you're Ana's too. ;)

I weigh 119lbs. That needs to change.

Until we weigh-in again Angels,
Charlie

Good Morning, Angels.

My name is Charlie, and this is my story.

I started this blog not in a moment of glory, but a moment of weakness. I tell you this because I know that some of you reading this are going through the same thing. I have lost control. I'm not sure when exactly it happened, but I've been eating. And I hate it. Those of you who do not have Ana on your back, who out of curiosity or need to spout morals to save their troubled youth quota of the week have tumbled across this blog are probably confused by this. Get used to it, these are the thoughts of a girl who would rather be dead than an average weight. Which, by the way, I am right now. Shoot me, please.

I feel fat. Disgustingly fat. The kind of fat 3 straight weeks of eating "normally" will do to you. I can feel my arms jiggling while I type. I would love to sit down and write out the horrors of today, but I won't. It's done, it's over, beating my fat self up over it won't change it. The only silver lining is that I did do a saltwater flush(here, it's a lifesaver) this morning, before gorging myself.

And that is what brought me here. I'm sick of doing this alone. I know there are more of you little Ana's who can't sleep because they've failed as I have. Given into food and are paying for it. You're not alone, little ones. I'm here. We'll push past this awful bump in the road. I don't know if anyone will even read this, but if you do and are suffering the way I am right now at least you can rest easier knowing you're not the only one. Tomorrow will be better. I am determined to get back to Ana and have one good zero calorie day.

Wish me luck Angels,
Charlie